ashmariewin

Escape route

Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex. I was on top and really into it but in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said, "Huh, look at the time, I gotta get home." She wasn't wearing a watch. FML

Today, my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was with her. No, let me correct myself. Today, my girlfriend updated her Facebook status when I was in her. FML

Today, I woke up and found that someone had taken a dump on my car. They'd apparently felt bad about it, as they'd then keyed "sorry" into the door. FML

Today, I dressed up, went over to my boyfriend and told him he could do anything he wanted. He said nothing and walked outside. I figured he'd come back in shortly, but when I looked out the window a few minutes later, he was building a snowman. FML

Today, some drunk dude broke into my house while my parents were out. Scared, I asked him what he wanted, his response was "cookies." FML

Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML