Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML
Today, I was on my first blind date. We went to a fancy restaurant in the middle in the city. After using the bathroom, I came back to an empty table. He stole my purse and left. FML
Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML
Today, my racist grandmother was complaining that the new nurse at her nursing home is a black woman. I casually asked, "Is she cute?" I'm now out of the will. FML
Today, a friend told me over MSN that her father had died. Trying to express some solidarity, I went to send her a tearful smiley. I accidentally sent her the dancing pig animation instead. FML
Today, my mom asked me to help pick out clothes for my grandma to wear in her casket. I didn't know she'd died. FML
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