Vallejo, United States 34 years-old
Today, I found out that if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave, it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML
Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML
Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML
Today, my boyfriend woke up to the flash of a camera. It was his mother taking pictures of my shoe print on his window sill and night stand. She said she was collecting evidence proving I snuck in through his window last night. FML
Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair… with her cousin. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML
Today, I discovered that my name literally means "burden". This wouldn't be so bad if both my mother and father knew this when they named me. FML
Today, I was woken up by my sister and her husband pretending to make moaning sounds in the room next to mine. I began to make moaning sounds as well to fight back. It turns out the "moaning" was actually their dogs snoring down stairs. Breakfast was awkward. FML
Today, my new wife and I got back from our honeymoon. Her parents had dropped our wedding gifts off at our apartment, but didn't lock the door. We came home to start off our new life together to a wrecked apartment and no gifts. FML
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