Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML
Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML
Today, I went shopping with my new "It's true, I'm a Ninja" shirt on. Suddenly an apple comes and hits me right in the eye. A little boy runs up to me, yells "You aren't a Ninja! A Ninja would have caught that!", and runs off. FML
Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML
Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML
Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML
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