Mubus

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

Today, I got trapped in a glass elevator at the mall. My father walked right by the elevator, laughed and went into a store. A fireman got me out. FML

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. Being safe as we were a little intoxicated, we took a taxi back. The cab driver was also drunk. FML

Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML

Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML

Today, my daughter announced on Facebook that she is directly descended from extra-terrestrials. That would be okay - except she's 25 and believes it's true. FML

Not the sharpest tool

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said, "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML