IFearMyDoctor

Today, I fistbumped a cashier as they tried to hand me my change. FML

Squits

Today, my dad told me to knock it off with my "stupid gangster walk", saying it made me look like an idiot. I didn't have the balls to admit I'd sharted my pants and was awkwardly waddling to the bathroom to clean myself up. FML

Today, my brother walked in on me jerking off. I managed to close the porn tab, at least, only to end up on my mom's Facebook profile. FML

Today, while explaining to a group of kids that monkeys are very intelligent creatures, one of them flung poo in my face. FML

Today, I was practicing the piano. My brother told me that if I loved him, I would stop. FML

Genius

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

Today, I was added to a random group chat. They were planning to film a porno and each member sent a nude. They were all grannies. FML

It's a trap

Today, as I entered our narrow hallway while leaving the bathroom, my belt loop caught on the knob of a nearby closet. My husband had to come and rescue me as I hung there, my ass in the air. FML

Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I said no, she started crying so much that her mom came out 5 minutes later and demanded that I give her daughter the dog. FML

Good boy

Today, my friends renamed my dog, “Dog Vader.“ Yes, my dog has asthma. FML

Today, I woke up to my husband's face. That'd be nice if he hadn't turned his eyelids inside out, waiting to scare me. I was scared alright. So scared that I pissed myself and broke my side table falling out of bed. FML