Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML
Today, apparently when you tell a hairdresser, "A little off the sides," they hear, "A bowl cut please, and make it look extra stupid." FML
Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML
Today, I went to my son's school soccer game. Unfortunately, I couldn't get excited about it because my idiot son kept diving the moment anyone so much as breathed on him. It eventually earned him a penalty shot that won him the game. I was so ashamed, I snuck out to avoid being seen with him. FML
Today, my husband lost his keys again. It's a daily struggle to find them. This time they were in an ice cube, literally. He said he must have accidentally put them in there when making ice. He's going to be the father of my future children. FML
Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML
Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML
Today, I drove in heavy rain for the first time, by myself. I had been told to drive below the speed limit, and be extra careful of the cars around me. Nobody had told me about thunder scaring a cow that would then escape from the corral and hit my car. FML
Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm Dad." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
