New York 28 years-old It's complicated
Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal. My son had pooped in the schoolyard, then gave the teacher a Ziploc bag, and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML
Today, I got a call from my 8 year-old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML
Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I looked pretty. I said, "Aww, that's the first time you've said that to me." He replied, "Well, it's the first time you've looked pretty." FML
Today, is the anniversary of my cat's death, so I went to visit her grave in the pet cemetery. Someone had spray-painted "Your cat sucks" on her grave. FML
Today, I went to hand in a resume. The secretary happened to be a girl I liked in high school. When leaving, I shook hands with the employer, waved goodbye to the girl, turned around and walked straight into a glass wall. FML
Today, my mom asked if I was seeing anyone. I launched into a description of my girlfriend, only for her to interrupt, saying that she meant a therapist, and the fact that I'd just made up a relationship was further proof that I needed one. I really do have a girlfriend. FML
Today, I found out my mom intentionally puts extra butter and oil in the food she cooks for me because she wants me to be fatter than her. FML
Today, I witnessed the miracle of life. More specifically, my cat giving birth on my bed at four in the morning. FML
Today, my sister and I were eating at Wendy's. On the way out, I thought it would be funny to kick the door open and yell, "This is Sparta!" I lost my balance and fell flat on my butt. FML
Today, I went to a restaurant and sat at the last available table, which had a seat available across from me. A cute girl approached and asked if she could sit down, so I said "Sure" and made some room. She then asked "You're leaving, right?" FML
Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML
Today, my mother went shopping. She bought three boxes of Popsicles and a giant stuffed dog. She did not buy dinner or toilet paper. I've eaten nothing but cereal and popcorn for three days now. FML
Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML
Today, I was playing at a bingo hall, when I got a bingo for $50. I got so excited that I accidentally yelled, "Holy fuck!" They kicked me out. I didn't get the money. FML
Today, I finally told the girl I've been after for more than a year that I'm attracted to her. Her response? A slight hug with a pat on the back as she said "There, there." FML
Today, I got so stressed about my upcoming final exams that, in the silent section of the library, I had a panic attack and almost passed out. No one helped me. 3 people shushed me. FML
Today, I accidentally said, "Yes, Sir." to my female teacher. I then apologized by saying, "Sorry, Sir." FML
Today, I wrote my boyfriend a poem, and left it on the bed with a rose for him to see after work. When I came home later, I noticed the flower in the trash, and the poem had been used as gum wrapper. FML
Today, my boyfriend refused to take me out on our three year anniversary because he was busy, "training to become a professional gamer." FML
Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML
Today, the girl I have a crush on came over to work on a project. My dad rushed into the room we were in, farted, and then ran out giggling. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. As we got to the ticket booth, a couple of girls queued behind us. My boyfriend graciously introduced me as his little sister, and invited the girls to join us. We've been together for two years. FML
Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me. I was crying for over an hour in my room. My dad came in and asked what was wrong. Just as I was about to tell him, he stops me and simply says, "Oh, honey. I don't care… Just keep the noise down." Then walks out. FML
Today, my apartment burned to the ground. I was packed and ready to move out tomorrow. FML
Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill that he sent me home. FML
Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML
Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail, because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML
Today, I was having a nice dream in which a beautiful butterfly flew by me and got stuck in my hair, fluttering its wings against my neck. Then I woke up and realized the "butterfly" stuck in my hair was actually a giant wood roach. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
