Today, in the fitting room at Old Navy, a customer asked me if we sold Calvin Klein jeans. I replied "no ma'am, this isn't a department store, we only sell Old Navy jeans." She left, and complained to my manager, who informed me that "the customer is always right." FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it, she picked it up, put it down, and said "No". Then she started to eat her dessert. FML
Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML
Today, I checked my Facebook to find I had been tagged in a bunch of photos from a party I had attended last night. On each picture I had a comment from my mom saying, "You're grounded." FML
Today, I discovered the worst possible situation in which to get explosive diarrhea: on a 9-hour transatlantic flight. Next to an attractive single guy. FML
Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right? After hearing the good news the only thing my parents talked about over dinner was who they wanted to win American Idol: Adam, Kris or Danny. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 years dumped me. I was really depressed, so a couple of my friends came over to take me out to a club to cheer me up. My ex was there, partying with his friends. He came up to me and my friends, and asked my friend if she wanted to hang out sometime. She said yes. FML
Today, I spent 3 hours washing my hands to get the pony out of the soap bar. I'm 16. FML
Today, my friend and I were in her mom's car talking about which job was harder: actor or artist. I said, "Art is easy. You just scribble on a piece of paper and call it abstract art." Her mom squinted at me in the rear-view mirror and my friend stopped talking. Then she said, "My mom is an artist." FML
Today, I decided to visit my girlfriend who lives 20 hours away. Four Red Bulls: $11.50. Gas: $200. Driving halfway across the country to find your girlfriend in bed with another guy? FML
Today, I was on a date with a girl I've had feelings for since I was 14 (I'm 22). I took her out to dinner, then to a movie that we both liked and had a few drinks afterwards. I thought it was going really well until I was driving her home and she asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's house. FML
Today, I hired a private investigator to find out if my wife of 15 years is cheating on me with my brother. I don't know what's worse, that she is cheating on me, or that instead of cheating with my brother she's cheating with my brother's wife. FML
Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year-old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML
Today, I got a new cell phone. I was unable to retrieve my old contact list from my old phone, so I sent out a mass email asking my friends to "Give me your contact info, unless you don't want me to text/call you!" No one is responding. FML
Today, I sent my long-distance girlfriend the first photo of me I'd sent her in a while. It was a photo of me with some of my friends. She didn't know which one I was. FML
Today, I checked my email for the hundredth time, hoping to hear back from a potential employer about a job I really want. No response. Why? My email with resume attached has been sitting in my Outbox for the past week. I never actually sent it out in the first place. FML
Today, I left work at 11pm. It was cold and dark, and I was anxious to get home, so I cut across some soccer fields to get to my car. About halfway across, the sprinklers came on. FML
Today, I re-joined a popular on-line dating service. I'd first signed up 3 years ago and was matched with a wonderful woman. After about a year, she broke up with me. I was devastated. After two years of trying to win her back, I'd decided it's best just to move on. Guess who they matched me with? FML
Today, it's decided, I'm going on diet. For real. But I said that yesterday. And the day before. FML
Today, I found out that I have to work Christmas Day. There's no public transport running and taxis are triple fare. It'll cost me more getting to work than I'll actually earn during the shift. FML
Today, I logged onto Facebook to a new notification. I got excited, until I went on to see that it was my mom commenting on my status. She had seen my friends swear in previous comments and decided to make a comment of her own. She told them, "Hey, watch out yr language!" I'm nineteen. FML
Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML
Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend that said, "Dude, I think she knows I'm going to break up with her." FML
Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML
Today, my math teacher told me to learn how to say "welcome to wal-mart". FML
Today, I went running. My girlfriend was so surprised at the fact that I'm exercising that she accused me of making it up so I could cheat on her. I'm just trying to get in shape. FML
Today, I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. Since then, I haven't heard any sex. Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. FML
Today, the girl who I was in love with for almost seven years listed me on facebook as her "Brother." FML
Today, I discovered the piggy bank I made a Facebook account for has more friends than me. It has 12. FML
Today, my grandmother told me to say "sofa king retarded" really fast. Not only did it take me several attempts to figure out what it meant, I'm now grounded by my mother for having a foul mouth. FML
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