SugarRushxx

Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML

Welcome back!

Today, I came home from a year long backpacking trip in Europe. During my absence my parents divorced, dad took the house and most of the money, sister is seven months pregnant, brother was arrested for statutory rape, and my mom pawned all my stuff to buy booze to "cope." Oh, and my fish died. FML

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

Today, I realized that since I started working full time, the only friend I have left is my cat. Lonely and bored out of my mind, I told him about my day. He decided to end the conversation by shitting on the floor. FML

Today, the guy of my dreams told me he liked me and leaned in to kiss me. Just as our lips touched, I ripped a big ass fart. FML

Today, I was teasing my 12 year old little cousin about him liking my best friend. I guess it made him mad because he yelled "Breast cancer!" at the top of his lungs before power-punching my right boob. FML

Today, while flicking my bean, I was thinking about my boyfriend who moved to California last week. Before I came, I had to stop because I started crying. FML

I spy…

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 a.m. because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

Lightweight

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

Back 2 school

Today, I got suspended for bringing a "hazardous weapon" to school. They were earrings. FML

Today, while paying for groceries, I opened my wallet to find that all my cash had been exchanged for Monopoly money. FML

Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML

10 out of 10 for originality

Today, my neighbor declared his love for me via "the medium of interpretative dance." FML

Today, my six year-old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating furiously. To Star Trek. FML

Today, I went to a football game. During a time out, my face appeared on the Jumbotron during the Kiss Cam segment. I was sitting next to my mother. FML

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

Strung out

Today, I was at work as a cashier. An old lady unbagged everything I had, and angrily "taught" me how to bag. She put potatoes on her eggs and broke them. She then screamed that I was useless and retarded in front of all my other customers and manager. FML