Somewhere, USA In a relationship
Today, I realized I was at a top quality ski resort when, while riding the lift, I counted three bras which appeared to have been thrown into the trees from the lift. My little brother counted eight. FML
Today, one of my preschool students hit me in the nuts in front of my whole class. If that wasn't bad enough, the blow to my crotch instantly triggered a very audible fart. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I miss the amazing sex life we used to have, as we haven't had sex in months. She accidentally blurted out, "Well, I've still got one." It seems our neighbour has taken over my role in the bedroom. FML
Today, I performed for the first time at someone's wedding. When the music started, I heard a click. Slowly, I felt my strapless bra drop lower and lower due to my non-existent breasts. The hook on my bra had broken at that very moment on stage. FML
Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my soon-to-be ex-husband's baby from the moment we agreed to have sex one last time together. FML
Today, I found out I have a yeast infection, a bladder infection, and a urinary tract infection all at the same time. Oh, and I also have the flu. FML
Today, I found out my friends replaced the water in my bottle with vodka when all my fish died. Any water I don't finish the night before, I pour into my tank the next morning. Thousands of dollars and years hard work, gone. FML
Today, my boss fired me for "disrespecting" him after I told him to fuck off. This would be understandable, if I hadn't said it when he was at my house for dinner, harassing my wife with suggestive poses, heavily implied comments, and trying to put his hand on her crotch. FML
Today, I'm so bad at parking that I saw the guy next to me openly cringe as I pulled into a spot. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, my wife decided to end our dry spell of four months and started dry humping and kissing me in bed. Things were going well until she orgasmed from the activity and declared that she was too tired to do any more, rolled over, and fell asleep. Five months or bust. FML
Today, I took a cab ride home from a bar. After a few minutes of horrible driving, I felt sick. The cab driver got so mad she locked me in the car and started driving me to the cops unless I payed her extra. Basically, I paid $120 for a five-minute cab ride. FML
Today, it's the 6th day that we have been snowed in. We haven't left the house, because we can't. I've done at least 30 hours of Legos. FML
Today, I realised I've sucked dick to every Simon Pegg movie. FML
Today, I overheard my mother trying to convince my brother that it's okay that our aunt and uncle are also step-brother and step-sister. This sprouted from an earlier discussion of how it's normal for people to be related multiple ways, like with us and our cousins. FML
Today, after getting home from shopping, I noticed a security tag was still on one of the shirts I bought. I decided to take it back and ask them to remove the tag. They then accused me of trying to steal (even after I showed them the receipt) and kicked me out of the store. FML
Today, my 6 brothers and I (a girl) were finally finding out the sex of my mom's baby. It's going to be another boy. FML
Today, while giving my boyfriend what I thought was an amazing blow job, he asked me if I'd seen Kung Fu Panda 3 yet. FML
Today, my coworker, who I hardly ever speak to, gave me a birthday present. It was an 8,000-word extremely graphic story of how he convinced a lesbian to have anal sex with him in the work bathroom. She had my name and characteristics. I'm the only lesbian he knows. FML
Today, after smoking, I sat down to watch Supernatural with my young cousin. I accidentally let out a burp during a demonic possession scene and, to our surprise, smoke came out of my mouth. Now there's a crying 11-year-old hiding somewhere in the house with salt. Mom will be home in 5 minutes. FML
Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML
Today, my grandmother got my future mother in law's phone number somehow. She managed to upset her so much that my fiancé now wants to call off the wedding. FML
Today, my son shaved his eyebrows. Two days ago, I caught my 10-year-old daughter watching porn. I'm totally winning at parenting. FML
Today, my parents accidentally bounced some checks through a miscommunication. They now owe the bank $700 and can't afford groceries, which means we're relying on me, a 17-year-old girl who works at McDonald's 2 days a week, to get us by for the next few weeks. FML
Today, I thought about going to visit an old girlfriend of mine with hopes of getting a little head. Unfortunately, I didn't know it would be head lice I'd get. FML
Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing air guitar while simultaneously headbanging. I punched myself in the dick. FML
Today, my grandma bought me a cemetery plot for my birthday. If that's not weird enough, it's about a two-minute walk from where the rest of my family will be buried. FML
Today, after a discussion, my boyfriend said, "I think it's time you found somebody better." After I gave him a look, he continued, "For me." FML
Today, in a train, I did the old "I've got your nose" trick for a kid. He got off at the next stop, then waved something at me from the platform, then yelled, "I've got your keys!" FML
Today, my co-worker told me how "lucky" I am that I "chose" to be a lesbian, because I don't have to deal with "guy drama". I spent two years of my adolescence sleeping at a bus stop and begging strangers for money after I got kicked out of home. FML
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