Today, I had 16 freakin' protein bars as a meal, the only meal of the day, as well as 5 apples after. I'm feeling like Yellowstone erupting in my guts right now. It hurts as fuck. FML
Today, I hopped on a tram without a ticket to travel one stop in order to save 5 minutes off my walk. Instead, I got a $230 fine and ended up 15 minutes further away from my destination. FML
Today, I walked into what I thought was my doctor’s new office building for my appointment. I sat down, only to realize five minutes later that I was sitting in a small conference room where they were holding a staff meeting, and not the waiting room I thought it was. I had to wait for the doctor's receptionist to come get me. FML
Today, at the store, I went to the self checkout then dumbly tried to activate the touchscreen, without touching it. I stood there wondering why it wasn't turning on before realizing I hadn't touched the thing to turn it on, like I was going to get shocked by the screen or something. FML
Today, I was watching a crime drama with my parents. During a tense moment, I casually said, "Oh, I know how to hide a body." They both stared at me in horror, and I had to explain that I meant from watching too many true crime videos on YouTube, not from actual experience. FML
Today, during a dream job interview, my mum called and screamed, “DID YOU FIX THE TOILET YET, YOU LAZY BASTARD?” She was loud enough for the interviewer to hear her, so as he stared at me, I panicked and said, “Sorry, she's my previous employer.” FML
Today, I blew past my neighbor in my building as he was trying to tell me something. I didn’t care, I was going on my first date since last weekend. It turns out he was reminding me that the fumigation starts tomorrow at 8 AM. The tent is now up and I’m homeless. FML
Today, I proudly drove my new car to work, feeling on top of the world. As I parked, I noticed everyone in the lot staring at me. I smiled and waved, thinking they were admiring my car. It wasn't until I got to my desk that my boss informed me I'd dragged an orange traffic cone under my car the entire way to the office. FML
Today, I blurted out “Love you, bye!” at the end of a professional phone call. There was a long pause before he replied, “Uh… thank you for your help?” My coworkers heard everything. I'm now scared of my work phone ringing. FML
Today, I discovered that my neighbors had held a secret "meeting" to discuss how annoying my "constant singing" as I go about my days in my apartment. They even made a petition, with over ten signatures, asking me to "cease and desist." FML
Today, I was trying to be extra productive and washed all my clothes at once, including my bedding. I hung everything to dry and only realized too late that I had no dry sheets to sleep in. I ended up sleeping on a bare mattress, wrapped in a bath towel, like some kind of sad burrito. FML
Today, I got a criminal record and a court date, all because I’m a single mom struggling to pay rent and feed my 3 kids, and I was desperate enough to trust a random man who told me to cash a fraudulent check. He dropped me off at the bank and ghosted me when I was being interrogated and booked by the cops. FML
Today, I started a new workout routine to get fit. After watching a bunch of online videos, I thought I could jump right in. I overdid it on squats and now can’t sit down without grunting like a wounded animal. I’m now having to climb stairs on all fours. FML
Today, wanting to get revenge at my ex for and the woman he cheated on me with, I invaded their wedding during the ceremony and objected to their marriage, laying out all the facts about how they started their nasty relationship built on betrayal. I was thrown out by security as they laughed at me. FML
Today, I prepared a detailed plan to organise my life, colour-coded and beautifully illustrated. I was so engrossed in designing the perfect plan that I forgot to actually do any of it and ended up with a highly organised non-starter. FML
Today, I got my precalculus final back from my teacher. I got a 17%. I told her that there had to be some mistake, because my classmate had the same answers as me and she got 100%. Not only did I accidentally admit to cheating, but our test papers had different questions. FML
Today, I was at a party. A friend and I went to the bathroom together. She finished, I started to go, realising I need to shit. She was still in the room. People began to knock. My brain told me to snap the shit in half… with my hand. I grabbed the toilet paper with said hand, leaving the bathroom covered in shit. FML
Today, I tried to prank my brother with the butter floor prank after coming back from work. As a result, my brother stepped out of ER with an arm cast, stitches on his head and a neck collar. FML
Today, I wore new gym leggings to spin class. Ten minutes in, the instructor gently pulled me aside to whisper, “Those leggings, they’re see-through.” I had been doing squats in front of a full-length mirror the entire time. FML
Today, as I'm 7 months pregnant and craving sweets, I helped myself to my MIL's birthday cake a little early. The family got so angry, they actually made me leave the party. My husband agreed with them. FML
Today, after meaning to do so for a while, I began cleaning my oven. I sprayed it with the foam cleaner stuff, closed the oven for the foam to soak in, then forgot about the whole thing. Later, I preheated the oven for a pizza and triggered a smoke alarm, which brought the fire department to my door. No pizza, just shame. FML
Today, during a Zoom meeting, I tried to discreetly mute myself before yelling at my printer for jamming again. I wasn’t muted. My whole team listened as I threatened a piece of office equipment with violence. My boss suggested therapy for “Printer anger.” FML
Today, it's been thirteen years since I divorced my husband for being too hard on our son. Since then, he's remarried and had two beautiful, well-behaved kids. My son, meanwhile, is a thieving hellion who doesn't care about anything but himself, and my ex wants nothing to do with him. FML
Today, no matter how hard I work, no matter what my position is, and how hard I have earned it, I will keep failing, knowing that the people who succeed won't do a thing to focus directly on advancing or substantially improving human life quality. I will be the last one to consider it, but will never be able to do a thing. FML
Today, I was belting out Beyoncé in the shower, really feeling myself. When I got out, I heard applause. My new neighbors were sitting on their balcony and I had my bedroom window open. They'd been unwilling members of my entire shower performance's audience, and the applause was definitely sarcastic. FML
Today, I pranked my friend and started a fake fight. However, she opened up and admitted to doing a bunch of stuff. We've now stopped being friends. FML
Today, after I made a new Google/YouTube account a couple of weeks ago, I failed to realize that the name I made on YouTube also relates back to my Gmail. I've been sending professional, work-related emails under the name of "Poop McNugget." FML
Today, I tried to sneak a snack from the kitchen without waking anyone up. In my stealthy quest for a late night sandwich, I managed to knock over a stack of pots of pans and woke up the entire frat house. FML
Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I asked him if he was going to fuck my brains out and make me his dumb little cock sleeve. He said, "That's kind of degrading, isn't it?" Instant mood kill. Never date a man who can't talk dirty. FML
Today, I've lied about my grades for three years of high school already and my mom thinks I'm a straight A student. I'm supposed to be going to college in a year. FML
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