Today, I tried to discreetly fix a wedgie while walking into a crowded store. Right as I yanked my waistband, the automatic doors opened and revealed a full line of people staring directly at me mid-adjustment. FML
Today, I began my first solo holiday at my family's' lakeside cabin. After an hour of tanning in my fave bikini on the lake beach, I saw that I was alone, got brave enough to take a risk, and took off my bikini so my body could get a full tan. Guess when a family from a nearby cabin chose to also come to the lake for fun… FML
Today, I was playing Wii Sports, trying to finally complete the "pick up spares" bowling game. My parents were behind me and said they would support me. After several failed attempts, I realized they had been on their phones the whole time, and were so engrossed that they didn't even look up when I spoke to them. FML
Today, I failed an assignment because the person I paid to do it plagiarized the entire thing. FML
Today, I'm the "bull" of a cuckolding relationship. Well, not anymore: I got the usual "come over" text and went over, only for the husband to come after me with a crowbar, yelling that his wife treats him like dirt because of me. FML
Today, I have to choose between paying the mortgage or paying my brother the hush money for him knowing about the affair I had with his friend. He made it clear that if I miss a single payment, he'll tell my wife everything. FML
Today, the day after I bragged about never having a car accident in my life, I mistakenly put my car into Drive instead of Reverse and crashed into my own house. FML
Today, I'm in a situation where I'm in a relationship, but he doesn't talk to me at all. He love-bombed me at first, and now I'm not sure how to even talk to him. I hardly know anything about him. I wanna break up but we got together like two months ago. FML
Today, I saw a woman who I thought was pregnant on the bus. Trying to be nice, I offered her my seat and congratulated her. She wasn't pregnant, just holding a large bag of groceries. The entire bus heard me and the death glare she gave could’ve turned me to stone. FML
Today, I reheated leftover pasta at work. I forgot to crack a vent on the container and it exploded in the microwave. Sauce coated the inside, so I spent my lunch break scrubbing while coworkers waited awkwardly to heat their food. The smell is still hanging in the office air. FML
Today, I had my earbuds in while walking to work. I was so into a particular song that I didn't notice I was singing out loud despite people being around. A random jogger gave me a thumbs-up and said, "Shit voice, wrong lyrics." FML
Today, I followed my GPS exactly for directions to my job interview. I ended up at a petting zoo. I was too embarrassed to admit my mistake, so I pretended to pet a goat before leaving. FML
Today, halfway through assembling a toy kitchen for a birthday, I realized the instructions made no sense and half the screws looked identical. I still somehow finished it and felt triumphant until the kid opened the oven door, the whole thing tipped sideways, and I had to spend the rest of the party holding it together with one hand. FML
Today, I thought I’d get revenge on my cheating husband by seducing the woman he’s been seeing behind my back. Unfortunately, even though I’ve never been attracted to women, I’ve inexplicably fallen head over heels in love with her. What now? FML
Today, I made a protein shake at the gym. I somehow didn't screw the lid on tight enough, so when I took one huge gulp, the shake exploded all over my face, shirt, and the gym mirror. Now I look like I lost a fight with a chocolate milkshake. FML
Today, as I hadn’t showered yet, I told my boyfriend not to go down on me in case it smelled "down there." We started kissing instead, but he made a "blech" face, then went down on me anyway. Apparently my morning breath was worse than unwashed crotch. FML
Today, I had an assignment to make a Powerpoint of our summer, using our photos. Wanting to impress my classmates, and never having the opportunity to travel, I made one about a fake trip to NYC with pics from Google. My professor informed me that one of “my” pics of the city had the WTC towers in them. FML
Today, I finally convinced my husband of 8 years to partake in a threesome with a guy who works with me, and for whom I have developed feelings. Everything was going well until, in the heat of the moment, my husband started performing oral sex on my colleague. I can't face either of them now. FML
Today, I thought it would be a good idea for me and my colleague to fuck in the bathroom that no one uses. Turns out, the president of the company, who was here for a visit, had picked the perfect day to use it. Now we’re jobless and potentially spouseless. FML
Today, I think I've finally lost my girl. I think she stopped liking me a while ago, but I didn't ask because I was afraid of the answer. We haven't texted in almost two days now. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 4 months broke up with me, saying things are moving "too fast". All I did was tell my 3 year-old that my boyfriend's parents are his new grandma and grandpa. FML
Today, I was on a date in a fancy restaurant. I tried to show off my skills by ordering our meal in French, since some of the dishes had french-sounding names. The waiter replied in fluent French and I have no idea what he said. FML
Today, I tried making a dramatic exit during an argument, but my jacket got stuck on the door handle. My epic moment was ruined as I wrestled to free myself while my opponent just stood there, laughing. FML
Today, I made Salt Water Taffy for the first time, misread the recipe, and put 1.5 cups of salt instead of the 1.5 teaspoons it called for. Needless to say it's inedible and I had to throw it away. FML
Today, I was at the airport waiting for my flight when I realized I had forgotten my passport at home. I panicked, called my mom in a frenzy, only to realize I was holding my passport in my wallet the entire time. It was so embarrassing, and my mom will probably never let me forget it. FML
Today, I tried doing a hair dye at home for the first time. I misread the instructions and left the dye on for twice the recommended time. Now my hair is the color of a traffic cone and brittle enough to break if I sneeze. FML
Today, a tourist from an English-as-second-language country taught me a new word. In English. FML
Today, my daughter said she wanted to be vegetarian like me. Beaming with pride, I made her plant-based burgers for dinner. She took one bite, screamed, "EW!" and started crying and begging for beef burgers. FML
Today, I went to my favorite coffee shop, ordered my usual, smiled at the barista I have a crush on, and confidently said, "You too!" when they told me to enjoy my drink. I have to find a new coffee shop. FML
Today, I accidentally hit "Reply All" on an email complaining about the office thermostat being too cold. My boss replied, "It’s cold because I control it." FML
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