If you're not a morning person, you know how it is.
Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and asked if I'd seen her cat. I helped her search the hallway, basement, and garden for 30 minutes. We finally found it sitting inside my apartment, where I had apparently been living with it for three days without noticing. FML
Today, I apologised to my colleagues on Teams for leaving the Christmas party early. The only responses were that they didn’t realise I was actually there, or didn’t even know who I am. FML
Today, I had the choice of visiting a ruined castle or having hot gay sex. I chose the castle. What is wrong with me? FML
Today, I bought a new smart scale that automatically broadcasts your weight to your fitness app. I didn’t realize it also shared updates with my gym group chat. They all got a notification titled, “Progress Report: Attempt #1.” It wasn’t progress. FML
Today, my boss told me to "act more professionally." So… I sat in the corner and cried for an hour. FML
Today, even three months after seeing 'Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan', I can’t think about anything or anyone except Saavik anymore. FML
Today, I found out my husband texted his ex-wife, all the while I've had a torn rotator cuff for a year, which I will finally be getting surgery on in three weeks. He twisted his shoulder last week while installing a toilet and suddenly the world is ending, his pain is all encompassing. I also have Lupus since 2017. FML
Today, finally joined a yoga class to “stay flexible” as a retiree. I followed along until we did a pose involving balance. I fell sideways into a stack of foam blocks and knocked over the instructor like gentle dominoes. Everyone was kind, but now I get assigned the chair automatically. FML
Today, I tried to get a picture of a cute cat while on my morning walk. The cat didn't run away scared, it was even as if he knew it was "strike a pose" time. Then, out of nowhere, a seagull swooped down and stole my breakfast bagel. FML
Today, my new online college class about Asian and Pacific American studies is teaching us how to write mini essays, not how to include Asian and Pacific Americans. FML
Today, it's been a few months since my wife and I have been intimate due to her health, so I have urges but out of respect I don't act on. However, while I was showering, I was scrubbing my dick and I immediately busted all over the shower curtain. I had a walk of shame to inform my wife. FML
Today, I realized that I may have made a mistake in getting married, because he kept telling people to "Stop fucking crying, it's not a funeral." FML
Today, I was so into my game that I didn't notice my senior-aged cat had emptied his cat bladder onto my leg until I took off my headphones and he jumped off me to go chew on the couch. FML
Today, my husband is threatening divorce because I loudly objected at his daughter's wedding and made a scene. His daughter is 19 and got married to a 40-year-old man. FML
Today, I've been getting nothing but hate and backlash for letting my son, who had severe COVID, attend his father's funeral. It was the only chance for him to say goodbye, but nobody cares. FML
Today, my husband and I sent our kids out with family and had the house to ourselves after ages. We had awesome sex. I wanted to cuddle while he wanted to take me out to a restaurant to enjoy our day. We argued, he won, and while we left our home arguing, we locked ourselves outside. The locksmith was costly. FML
Today, I've come to the realization that the only people to call me handsome are women above the age of 55, gay men, or women trying to get money from me and failing. I don't even get a compliment on a haircut after not cutting it for a year. FML
Today, I tried to get to bed at a reasonable hour. Despite not deviating from what I typically eat, I was kept up nearly all night by my farts. The foods I eat typically don't give me gas this badly. FML
Today, I realized just how bitchy my BFF really is. When my sister said hi to her, she just glared back. She refers to a trans woman as "it" and not her correct pronouns. She just sucks the fun out of everything and makes me feel alone and stuck. I can't abandon her though because we're both each other's only friend. FML
Today, I was at my uncle’s farm and his pig had piglets. They looked super adorable, so I picked one up. The poor thing started shrieking bloody murder. Mama pig wasn’t too happy. I have the stitches to prove it. FML
Today, I decided I was gonna take a pregnancy test after being two months late. I bought two because I was sure it would give me a positive. That same night I got my period. FML
Today, I walked out of my apartment to take the trash out. The wind suddenly slammed the door shut behind me. The problem? I was only wearing boxers. My keys were inside, the trash bag ripped in my hands, and my neighbor’s dog barked at me like he had caught an intruder. FML
Today, I took the last parking spot in a crowded lot, got out feeling victorious, then immediately stepped in a puddle deep enough to soak my foot all the way through to my sock. FML
Today, you talked loud enough for me to hear you calling me the bad guy, while we’re in the same house. The walls are paper thin. After 19 years, I find out our friendship was a lie? That you used me just to make my parents happy? And I find out now, three weeks before I move out? This is beyond hurtful. I can’t take this. FML
Today, I’m on my third week of my head cold. I wake up every day with barely a voice and I’m constantly spitting and blowing green tar out of my sinuses. Sleep? It’s a luxury until my nasal passages clog and I’m up for at least an hour clearing it up. No joke, I’m about to inhale whiskey up my nose as payback. FML
Today, I spent my lunch break helping a coworker move a desk to another office. When I got back, my own desk had been moved to make room for someone new. Nobody had told me where they’d put it. FML
Today, I received this weird email that mentioned our company name and an apartment number. I flagged it, saying it could be whaling. It was in fact a legitimate email, asking us if they could deliver ten pallets of stuff this morning. They just can't spell to save their life. Delivery postponed. FML
Today, I received a package in the mail from a guy, with no warning. He then blocked me. It was a strap on. What do I even do with this thing now? FML
Today, for some unknown reason, I called my boss "Mum" at the end of a meeting. She paused, smiled, and said, "Aww, love you too, kiddo." The rest of the team in the room lost it. FML
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