Today, I set my car's speed to 125km/h to pass the speed camera announced by a road sign. Sure of myself, for a laugh I flipped the bird as I went by. When the flash went off, I realised that the speed limit was 110 km/h, not the usual 130 km/h. FML
Today, I went to the gym and approached a machine I had never used before. After a few minutes of awkward attempts, an instructor came over and politely informed me I was using it completely wrong. The worst part? It was the stretching machine, and I thought it was for abs. FML
Today, I went for a drive to clear my head of relationship issues. That night, I got pulled over. Lost the car and my license. I texted my girlfriend, saying I was sorry; she left. Lost her too. FML
Today, I visited my mom because I don't see her much due to her living 30 minutes away from me. They just recently fixed their AC. A few hours before I was about to leave, it broke again. I tried to be patient but it heated up to over 80 degrees inside, and I'm really sensitive to heat. Thankfully they weren't offended. FML
Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a secret video folder of lesbians kissing from movies, TV shows, and games like The Last of Us, Arcane, Georgia and Ginny, and so on. He says it’s his ASMR folder because something about lesbian kissing noises is extra relaxing and helps him sleep. Yeah, right. FML
Today, I told my dad that my boyfriend and I were thinking about moving in together. Without missing a beat, he looked at my boyfriend and said, “Brave man. You sure you want to sign up for 24/7 mood swings and hair in the drain?” My boyfriend laughed. A little too hard for my liking. FML
I made a huge mistake...
Today, I failed a Rorschach test. How do you fail a Rorschach test? WTF. FML
Today, my husband admitted he sometimes gets me ragingly jealous of other women on purpose because when I’m jealous I put in more effort in the bedroom and it’s easier to get me to do anal. FML
Today, I bought a new shirt I thought looked cool. At work, three people complimented me, then each one added a variation of, “My dad has the same one!” By lunch, my confidence had left the building entirely. A coworker even asked if I’d gotten it from the “retro section.” FML
Today, while I was in a bathroom stall, I overheard my younger coworkers discussing my age. They said, “How old is she? Some days she looks like she's 35 and other days she looks like she's 58!” FML
Today, I threw an event with my colleague that completely flopped. At the end, my colleague invited the few people who showed up to take as much candy as they wanted from the gift bags I paid for and assembled myself. My colleague contributed neither the money, nor the effort to put them together. FML
Today, I held the door with my back to greet everyone into a meeting. When I followed the last person in, my waistband managed to get looped on the door handle and shut behind me as I walked away, taking my body with it. I was leading the meeting, as the branch manager. FML
Today, I’ve been looking for a new job for a while now, after being at my current job for 6 years. I was offered an interview for a job I was really excited about. I went to text my boyfriend about the job interview and ended up sending the text to my boss instead. I guess the cat's out of the bag. FML
Today, my son was crying because he wanted to listen to a song that he and Daddy listen to. My husband is at work and I can't reach him. I've looked and looked for the song but I can't find it. My husband has such wack taste in music I don't know where to look, and my son is too upset to help. FML
Today, I realized that my husband can call me a hoarder because I hide stuff for my son's lunch so it's his to eat. Not only is that what mothers do for their loved kids, he has been hoarding and hiding $100+ PlayStation store credits. Hoarding his own boy's prize for doing well, and now blames me if our son is slow. FML
Today, a customer got pissed off and called me a "libtard" simply because I admitted that I had absolutely no clue who Charlie Kirk was, but I'm the one in trouble for telling him to GTFO because I don't take crap from people. FML
Today, something bad happened and I posted an FML, only to have a caption with a judgemental comment thrown on the top by some desk jockey asshat. FML
Today, I thought my boyfriend was normal until we flew abroad to meet his family. He got in a fist fight with his brother, which their mother told me is just how they get along, and that I’d get used to it. Minutes later they were laughing, icing their bruises and sharing beers. Totally normal, right? FML
Today, I stood up wrong from the toilet, leading to me pulling a muscle in both of my thighs, just above the knees. This made me feel old, and even older when I immediately remembered this website from when I was still young. I'm 29 now. FML
Yeah... That was just stupid.
Today, I realized I sacrificed all my friends to make sure my marriage was successful, but sometimes when under extreme stress from my wife, I use the B-word and that’s enough for her to want to leave me. However, it’s perfectly fine for her to say "Fuck you" and that I’m a everything but a decent human being. FML
Today, I spent the day cleaning my apartment because my parents are visiting on Monday. I finally finished at midnight and went to bed exhausted. Then my mother called to say they couldn't make it after all. FML
Today, I was in a quiet meeting on Teams using noise-cancelling AirPods when my coworkers started giggling. I assumed someone’s mic was acting up. Turns out, my mic was on, and the mysterious squeaking noise was my chair… or so I thought. Nope. My dog was also behind me licking a balloon for some reason. FML
Today, after I finished dinner, I was getting ready to wash the dishes, but first I needed to take my vitamins. I accidentally gagged myself and puked in the kitchen sink of dirty dishes. I had to clean vomit and the dishes. I vomited my entire dinner. FML
Today, I had a substitute for science and I was standing at the stationary table when some other guy came over and made the thing wobble. The whole thing fell over and I got all the blame. Then I was sitting with my friends at lunch but another friend came back right when my crush was gonna sit next to me. FML
Today, I tried to take a selfie with a famous celebrity, but I accidentally hit the video record button and recorded myself walking away from them instead. FML
Today, I helped my neighbor carry her groceries upstairs. One egg carton slipped from my hand and exploded in the sink. She stared at the mess, then at me, and said, “That's my omelet down the drain.” FML
Today, my brother, a real Alan Harper-type of snivelling parasite, has been sleeping on my sofa for over a week since his girlfriend threw him out. If I kick him out, the guilt will eat me alive, but now my wife has informed me I’m never getting sex again until he’s gone. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom after my 9 year-old nephew. Apparently nobody taught him to lift the seat when he pees, or how to aim properly, because when I sat down, I sat in his pee. FML
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