Today, a cute stranger waved at me on the street. I waved back enthusiastically, smiling like an idiot. Then I realized she was waving at her dog behind me. I then turned around and waved at the dog, then scurried home to bury my embarrassment in a pillow on my couch. FML
Today, my daughter said, “Mommy, you’re my favorite person!” Then she added, “Because you smell like mac and cheese.” FML
Today, I tried to write a journal entry about my day, but since I've become so used to going on tangents, my daily entry did everything but talk about my day. FML
Today, I realized I am the neighborhood pariah. I have a vaca house on a lake, and every year the neighborhood holds a Friendsgiving Party. I wasn't invited. I only found out it that it happened when I saw the Facebook photos. I have no idea why I was excluded. I must be the world's biggest a-hole. FML
Today, my wife asked me what I wanted to do this weekend. It’s been so long since she asked, I froze up, unable to think of anything I might enjoy doing that she wouldn’t immediately say no to. It ended up the same as every weekend; we now have plans to go shopping, then visit her mother. FML
Today, after noticing weight gain, I purchased an ab belt. Despite no gym for around a year now, I assumed I could easily sustain an advanced level workout and put the belt on maximum strength. The first shock catapulted me off my feet and smacked my head into the wall, leaving a noticeable dent. FML
Today, I asked my crush what music he was into, misheard his answer because of background noise, so I spent 5 minutes enthusiastically talking about a band he'd never heard of, thinking we were bonding. When he finally stopped me and clarified, I laughed too loudly out of shame, then knocked over my drink. FML
Today, I trusted a fart at work and, for the first time in my life, it did not come out silent. I have had a hell of a time explaining to people that I don’t fart loudly all the time. FML
Today, I'm training for my first half marathon so I went for a run in a busy park. I tripped on a completely flat path in front of about twenty people. Not only did I fall, but my wireless earbuds flew out dramatically in opposite directions. Some wise ass golf clapped. FML
Today, a creep messaged me on Discord, asking my brother to pinch my cheeks, and to send a photo of me pretending to sleep. FML
Today, I went outside for the first time in a week and ended up tripping over something, busting my lip and nose, and breaking a tooth. I ran away in a dazed and confused panic while dropping all my stuff. Not going outside again for a while. FML
Today, I invested in some menstrual underwear to save money on sanitary products and for environmental reasons. I got to wear them only once before they were accidentally washed too hot and completely ruined. FML
Today, I accidentally bought chicken fingers. I couldn't even make it two days as a vegetarian. FML
Today, ever since I had to rehome my cat because he was really mean, I've been wanting to get another one to replace him. I remembered a particular cat I found at the adoption center who seemed to like me a lot, and I decided I wanted to adopt her. When I got there, I found out she unexpectedly died yesterday. FML
Today, after over a year of waiting, the horror podcast I listen to and have been a fan of since pandemic times, who invites listeners to send in their true stories, finally responded to the story submission I sent, which was about a real life experience of mine. Their response was, "Yeah, cool story bro!" FML
Today, due to family, job, health, and pregnancy issues, I didn't dance in the past decade, but recently started doing my favourite classical dance again. In this decade, I've more than tripled in weight and can't recognise myself in the mirror or in videos. I'm still in a healthy BMI but feel so fat. FML
Today, I excitedly waited to watch the finale and reunion of The Ultimatum on Netflix. It was the worst thing to ever happen to reality TV, which is really saying something considering all the shit out there. It was the only thing I was looking forward to in months. FML
Today, my daughter decided to make popcorn and for some reason she thought the bag of seeds was for one portion's worth, so she poured the whole damn bag into our popcorn maker and filled half the kitchen floor. It now smells like a cinema lobby. FML
Today, I gave my new boss a ride, since his car died. I probably should have checked the music before I started the car; I'm not sure hearing "Grandpa pissed his pants again…" as the opener to a song made a good impression on him. FML
Today, I took my dog to the park. He ran straight into a muddy pond, came back to shake himself off, and got mud all over my freshly cleaned white hoodie. A stranger passing by gave us a thumbs up and said, “Good boy!” I'm not sure who he was talking to. FML
Today, after a long bike journey through heavy traffic in the pouring rain to deliver a coffee order, the coffee decided to fall out of the bottom of the now soggy paper bag I was carrying and land on the customer's floor. I cleaned it up with paper towels from the toilets. The delivery company didn't pay me. FML
Today, I had to have a conversation with my husband about how my toes have gone numb from the diabetes that it's no longer sexy when he sucks my toes, because it just feels odd and uncomfortable to be honest. FML
Today, I learned that the girl I liked who rejected me last week also has an OnlyFans Account. Yes, I dodged a bullet. However, she let me down with, "I'm celibate and taking a break from men." Then detailed why she would love to stay friends with me. Even girls who sell themselves want nothing to do with me. FML
Today, I took my wife and our 6 year-old son to a company party. Sometimes I take my son to work with me, so he knows my coworkers. One of them walked over and introduces herself to my wife, and my son says, "Yeah, they go to into the bathroom together all the time during break!"’ Thanks, son. FML
Today, I looked up 8 videos, questioned my entire existence, actually hurt myself, and cried profusely trying to open a bottle of wine. Just in case anyone thought I was smart. FML
You spin me right round baby right round...
Apparently, there is an "I" in "I don't give a f..."
The Haka is legit.
Today, I took my son to a doctor’s appointment. As we were walking to the office, we saw a homeless man, stark naked, bathing in the decorative fountain. I hurried us inside but unfortunately my son got full view of well everything. FML
Today, after injuring my muscles in my hip trying to do my stretches from my physical therapy, my weight has rebounded in an awful way. Even trying proper portion control doesn't cause my weight to budge and I can't treat myself without my weight leaping 5 pounds or more. FML
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