Today, I discovered the filter and drain thingy on my front end loader washing machine. I've had the machine for 7 years. I should've worn a gas mask cleaning it. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to pull down my panties with his teeth but it proved more difficult than he thought, so he got a real good mouthful and gave it a really hard pull. They did come down, but he also pulled out what felt like half my pubes. FML
Today, I was in a public restroom when the girl in the stall next to me started asking me how I was doing. Thinking it was weird but not wanting to be rude, I answered her questions. Halfway though our conversation she said: "Hold on, the girl in the stall next to me thinks I'm talking to her." FML
Today, my longtime crush, who lives in Texas, got into a relationship. He turned me down when I'd confessed my feelings for him because he “doesn’t do long distance.” The girl he’s with lives in the same city as me. We both live in Florida. FML
Today, my daughter got home at midnight, two hours past curfew. My husband got all mad and accused her of dressing like a cheap whore. So firstly, he went way too far with the name calling and I’ll yell at him later, but also the dress she was wearing was mine, so I guess I’m a cheap whore too. FML
Today, I'm the only one in my family who doesn't need glasses and who isn't lactose intolerant. However, I'm the only one in my family rapidly balding at the age of 25. Even my grandparents on both sides have full heads of hair. FML
Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML
Today, my mom gave me thirty days notice to find an apartment and move out. Why? She's dating my former best friend and wants to move him in, but he won't do it until I'm gone because it would be "awkward." FML
Today, I am five days postpartum and my sister came over to see me. After she refused to help me with dishes or do the laundry or grab dinner, I angrily asked why she even came. She replied, "Uh… to meet the baby? You're not entitled to my help, you know." FML
Today, my mother-in-law came home drunk and said to my husband, "I told you not to bring a dumb girl home." I'm a kindergarten teacher with my own private school. FML
Today, after my dad hurt his shoulder, it turns out nothing is broken but we don't know anything else. He might have a rotator cuff tear, which will require surgery, and he's already been out of work for a week after he got rehired from being laid off. He's starting to lean on me financially and I get SSI only. FML
Today, even though I’m not allowed to be on my phone while on the line at work, I texted an unknown number. My manager looked at her Apple Watch. I'd texted my manager while on the job. FML
Today, I went through my boyfriend’s phone. He'd told his brothers, mom, and mutual friends that I was at a psych ward, after I went crazy. We have been back together for four months now after that situation, so no wonder I got the vibe they hate me. Why lie about something so stupid? FML
Today, as usual I am allergic to onions (I fart A LOT if I eat any). It seems there were some in my breakfast sausage meal as I spent the day having major diarrhea; I'm shitting once an hour. That would be okay if I'd stayed home, but my sister asked me to pick her up at school. Guess who shit herself while driving… FML
Today, I put Christmas wrapping on old books and things I already own, because I realized that it's the only way I'll have anything under the tree this year. FML
Today, yet another American sports team was shown to be monsters (New Orleans Saints). Helping to cover up children predators should be exposed, not swept under the rug. I hate being American. FML
Today, I told my late husband's daughter that I have no interest in reconciliation because she was horrible to me the entire time we were married, and never once warmed up to me, no matter what I tried. Now she's telling everybody on social media that I really am an evil wicked witch stepmom. FML
Today, it's only day three of my annual vacation. Rest and relaxation? Afraid not! For the past days, I've been haunted by the constant thought of how much work will be piled up when I get back. FML
Today, my husband is such a tight-wadded cheapskate that his idea of “taking the family out” is going to Costco to try all the samples. PS: Yes, I work too, so he’s not the only “provider", he’s just cheap and boring as all hell. FML
Today, a girl and her boyfriend dramatically left our group chat. One of her friends, a mod, is blaming me over a public exchange we had; he says it proves I "don't know her AT ALL." The crazy bitch called me every istaphobe in the book over not liking her favorite anime, and left because I told her to grow up. FML
Today, I sprained my wrist playing Guitar Hero. The ER doctor called all of his coworkers in to hear my story. They all laughed. FML
Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents for the first time. My dad took one look at him, sighed and said, "You deserve someone better. Someone who is responsible, and has their priorities straight in life." Beyond upset, I told my dad that I love him. My dad disgruntledly responded, "I was talking to him." FML
Today, I learned my hotel room had the shittiest blinds ever and that if you want true privacy you need to shut the curtains. I discovered this after three wives from the opposite windows complained I’d been flashing their husbands when I got out of the shower. FML
Today, it's 2026, and my mom is still shit-scared of COVID and demands I wear a mask, slather on hand sanitizer, and just generally make an ass of myself everywhere I go. Being with her in public is so humiliating, she wears a face shield, two masks, and is equal parts Karen and Hitler. FML
Today, I tripped over a laundry basket while carrying my baby niece. Don’t worry, I threw her onto the couch safely. I, however, face-planted into the coffee table. FML
Today, a customer called me a "smart ass" because I helped him scan his coupon correctly. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I walked to her couch while kissing with our eyes closed. Stumbling, we reached the couch and dropped our bodies, her on top of me. What I didn't know was that her kitty, Elvis, was napping. Elvis was very angry. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were setting up a desktop PC we'd bought second-hand. In the middle of this, he stopped, frowning, sniffed the air a few times and said we'd better give it a good dust, because it smelt like burning. I'd just farted. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who I really liked, dumped me after I sent proof of Canada’s government supported merge-like-a-zip campaign, because she thinks that zip-mergers are just people taking advantage of others. FML
Today, you know how people say, “The worst thing she can say is ‘No’” when asking a girl out? I found out the hard way that that's a bold faced lie. I asked and she said, “Yeah, I’d rather use a freshly cut jalapeño as a tampon!” then burst into hysterical laughter. FML
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