Today, after years of me trying to get better, I finally have to admit that I'm severely disabled, as I saw it on my assistance paperwork. FML
Today, and for this past week, I've had multiple people tell me all I needed to do to cure my incredibly rare chronic illnesses was some essential oils. Putting those 'medications' aren’t going to do anything. They then proceeded to give me more advice on how to treat a kidney transplant. FML
Today, I felt like surprising my coworkers by bringing donuts. Feeling generous, I got a dozen from the most reputable bakery in town. On my way to the office, I tripped, and the box flew open, scattering donuts everywhere. A group of pigeons swooped in and devoured them before I could recover. I spent $30 on pigeon breakfast. FML
Today, my mom told me that she never wants to see me again because my family and I did not attend her wedding, which she wanted my youngest to be a flower girl to. I refused because this is her eighth marriage (that's right, 8) and she never learns. FML
Today, my stalker from 16 years ago has apparently come back. Hello, police protection. FML
Today, I practiced my wedding vows in front of the mirror we have in the hallway. When I was done, I heard clapping from my living room. Turns out my fiancé’s parents had come over early for dinner and had heard everything. FML
Today, I was at Costco, with my six year-old and my baby. I turned my back on them to grab something off a shelf and heard the baby scream. I turned around and saw my son dumping a gallon jug of mayonnaise all over my baby in his stroller. FML
Today, at my local pub, I discovered that three equally toxic women were having a contest to see who could take me home first. I'm an emotional (and not very attractive) person who spent the year dealing with a tragic breakup and I don't do hookups. These women know this and STILL waste my time trying to gaslight me. FML
Today, I woke up feeling unlovable after my ex left me for a wealthy BMW owner last week. I clocked into my job at CVS. I had a teenage surfer guy purchasing magnum condoms, a drunk guy buying liquor with two hot blondes around his shoulders, and my high school crush came in to buy plan B. My youth is passing me by. FML
Today, my husband farted while he was naked and bending over to pick up his clothes, so me lying on the bed got a perfect view of his butthole twitching and flapping around as the gas escaped. Who says romance is dead? FML
Today, my dad found condoms in my room and kicked me out of the house. I know I’m 22 but I have nowhere to go. When I told him this, he threw a rolling suitcase at me and told me, “You have somewhere to go now - your boyfriend’s house!” I don’t even have a boyfriend, just casual random hookups. FML
Today, I finally gathered the courage to confess my feelings to my best friend. As I was about to tell him, he interrupted me and said, “Oh hey, by the way, I met a guy and we’re going on our first date tonight.” I awkwardly said, “Congrats,” and then I went home to eat an entire pint of ice cream by myself. FML
Today, I made the mistake of revealing my finger in a photo. The first comment was, "I bet that finger has never been in a vagina before." The image wasn't remotely NSFW. I'm now afraid of showing any body part in any photo I take ever again, assuming these disgusting creeps are always gonna be around. FML
Today, I fell asleep with my new iPad on my chest, so when I woke up and pushed my duvet off me, the iPad went flying off me and broke on the floor. It’s my first ever iPad, my mom bought it for me for high school and I’ve only had it a week. FML
Today, I spent the day with my ex-husband, getting our house ready for market. We've been doing this for weeks, and to my shock, my ex has turned back into the hard-working, handy, patient man I fell in love with. I don't know what to say or do, so I spend every day quietly heartsick with longing. FML
Today, my best friend got married. I had introduced her to her now husband, and ever since she has basically acted like I don't exist. FML
Today, my girlfriend's husband heard us having sex, but he's so naive, he believed her when she said we were just watching porn. FML
Today, my girlfriend got a new tattoo - the Blink-182 logo on her stomach. I wouldn't mind it, except she got pregnant a month ago and I'm pretty sure that it can't good for the baby. FML
Today, I'm stuck in a nightmare where one of my young twins is fixated on spending as much time with her sibling as possible, while the other one is a complete introvert who wants her sister to leave her alone as much as possible. Either way, someone is upset and crying, mostly me. FML
Today, it's the third day of me having a migraine. I just want to kill myself. I've tried tablets, no screen for 20 hours, sleep, hydration, food and everything. If it were not for my loving husband and caring kids, I wouldn't hesitate to kill myself. This is a monthly routine now, one week out of order. FML
Today, I decided to sleep in for 5 extra minutes. Those 5 extra minutes became 55 minutes, which, coincidentally, was roughly the length of the midterm I missed. FML
Today, and for the past week, I’ve had a viral bug. Now I can handle the vomiting, the diarrhoea, headaches, muscle weakness, dizziness, fatigue, and coughing. What I cannot handle is how food and drink now taste bad. Like seriously, even water tastes bad. I’m slowly going insane from lack of flavour. FML
Today, I got invited to a cookout. The host apologized as I got there because the hamburger meat had gone bad, and all they had were hot dogs, which I can't eat because they give me the runs. It was either that or starve, because I don't get paid until tomorrow. I wrote this on my ninth trip to the can this evening. FML
Today, I surprised my 10-year-old nephew with an invitation to my family's upcoming Disney Cruise for his birthday, since he previously said he wanted to go. He said no. He'd "changed his mind." The ticket is nonrefundable. FML
Today, I was giving a speech at a conference when halfway through I got a sudden case of hiccups. For the next 5 minutes I tried to finish my presentation while hiccuping uncontrollably. The audience found it hilarious and started cheering each time I hiccuped. I’m convinced no one could tell me what the speech was actually about. FML
Today, I kissed my crush for the first time and immediately started sneezing uncontrollably. It turns out that I’m allergic to his perfume. He laughed while I tried to blow my nose without looking insane. FML
Today, I finally got a raise after years of hard work! Excited, I went on a shopping spree, but as I checked the latest prices, it turns out that my extra income barely covers the increase in my grocery bill. Thanks, inflation. FML
Today, my subordinate didn't come to work. I called him several times, and it seemed like he just overslept, which has happened before. As I was filing the report about this, the police came to interrogate me because this guy took his life last night and blamed us in his note. I have no idea what I did wrong. FML
Today, my ex complained that the kids cry too much when they’re with him, so I must be telling them bad things about him. Well maybe if he showed up more than once every 6-8 months, the kids would know him better and be more comfortable with him. Court says I still have to continue give him access. FML
Today, I went to a café that claimed to be fully accessible, as I use a mobility aid. The ramp was technically there but so steep, I needed help. Three strangers helped push me up while I apologized, laughed nervously, and tipped coffee onto myself at the top. FML
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