Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML
Today, I went to the park to read “The Book Thief”. I fell asleep and when I woke up, my book was gone. FML
Today, at our wedding, instead of saying "I do", my fiancé paused before saying, "I can't do this", stepped down from the altar and proposed to my maid of honor. When she obviously refused, he ran from the venue bawling. He's not returning my calls. FML
Today, I accidentally called a student in my 10th grade English class "David" instead of "Dylan". Without thinking, I said, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot of Ds in my life!" All of my students broke out in mortified laughter. FML
Today, I actually said the words "yes, a blowjob from a guy is still cheating" to my husband. I never thought that would be a problem. FML
Today, I went over to the house of a guy I have hooked up with a few times. After we got done, I asked him why we were not in the room across the hall. He said that was his twin brother's room. FML
Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML
Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML
Today, I came up with the idea of pranking my girlfriend by telling her that I knew she was cheating on me. She then apologized. FML
Today, I came out to my parents as gay and they reacted better than I expected. Then I found my car destroyed with a note that said "fag" on what used to be my hood. I never thought I'd have to sue my own family, but I'm lucky I have security footage. FML
Today, I have the option of staying downstairs and having to listen to my father have sex with his girlfriend, or moving upstairs and having to listen to my brother's side of cybersex with his girlfriend. FML
Born2Goth tells us more.
Born2Goth 18
Hey this is mine, I didn't realize it got published. I don't actually live at my dad's house, I was just visiting. So I don't really have any friends there and It was really late at night so I didn't really have anywhere else to go. The only headphones I had were not at all noise canceling, even when playing loud music. I did end up moving upstairs but that's only because that's where I was sleeping. IT was pretty awkward lol.
Today, during an important meeting, I forgot the name for West Virginia and described it as, "Virginia a bit to the left". FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML
Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML
Today, I'm on new medication that has a side effect of keeping me awake all night. Now I get to listen to my parents having sex at 2am when they think I'm fast asleep. FYI, my dad likes being spanked and being told that he's a really bad boy who needs punishment. FML
Today, ever since my boyfriend has seen A Clockwork Orange, he always suggests that we have sex by asking, "How about a little of the good old in-out-in-out?" and refers to his genitals as, "Yarbles". He seriously doesn't understand why this turns me off every time and our sex life has sunk. FML
Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML
Today, I found out my son has been sneaking out of his room at night to see his girlfriend. He's a fully-grown 23-year-old man with a job and his own car. He doesn't need to sneak out. What an idiot. FML
Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML
Today, for the fifth time this month, I had to explain to a group of people that yes, my name really is Donald Trump. Like all the other groups, they burst out laughing and did some Trump impressions for 15 minutes. FML
Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML
Today, as it's my birthday, I was hoping for a nice present from my boyfriend. What did he get me? A PornHub account. FML
Today, I was showing my crush/co-worker how to operate a particular piece of machinery. She exclaimed out loud, "Oh! This knob pulls out," then mumbled under her breath, "… unlike my boyfriend." FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 2 years and my best friend of 10 years making out in my bedroom. I stared and when they noticed me, my boyfriend didn’t even bat an eye and suggested we have a threesome. My best friend immediately agreed. FML
Today, I got into a huge fight with a 6’3” 200 lb guy over my girlfriend of a month, who he claims to have been dating for 2 months. I'm 6’1” myself, but I’m not jacked at all. My girlfriend stood there watching us fight, and revealed at the end that she has a twin. FML
Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML
Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML
Today, I announced my pregnancy to my parents and family. Everybody was happy, except for my dad, who totally freaked out and won't talk to me. The reason: he secretly hoped that I would break up with my husband, and now that we're expecting a baby he can't "get rid of him" anymore. FML
medicalstudent94 tells us more.
OP here. First of all, thank you very much for your support!! Secondly, the reason why my father hates my husband is because of the cultural difference. My family is a conservative traditional eastern European family, they are Christian Orthodox and they care a lot about tradition (getting married in a church, baptizing the kids in orthodox religion, blindly following or doing whatever an older family member sais or asks etc). My husband comes from a typical Nordic family, he's atheist, feminist and basically a very empathetic and open minded person and these qualities are quite the opposite of those of my family's. My dad had always been harsh on me while I was a child and it continued for a long time even after I moved out from my parents house and until I got married to my husband. You would say that living at 2300 km away (we're living and studying abroad) from my dad would be fantastic and he couldn't influence our life in any way... Well he can! He calls my other family members to complain about how I ruined my life and their life by marrying a "pagan" who "has no respect towards our culture" and has married me "out of interest". My other family members call me everyday to complain to me about my father acting insane and to make sure I am ok. I obviously knew something was wrong because he wasn't talking to me (which is abnormal because if he doesn't agree with something he would just call me and yell at me) but I didn't know it was that serious until they told me. Later update: my dad finally called me and he (very seriously) proposed to me that after i will give birth he would take my child away from me so I "could focus on med school without stress" and he would raise him/her as his own child and our baby would grow up speaking only my language and not English (my husband and i speak English at home since we come from different countries). You can all imagine my reaction and what i felt in that moment and why now I'm the one not talking to him anymore. Without any more comments you now have a picture of this very messed up situation and how things like this still happen in the 21st century in developed countries. And no, I had no idea that this kind of thing would ever happen to me. I didn't think that my own father would turn out to be that type of person. I knew he was a bit misogynistic and homophobic but I never imagined that he will not accept my husband just because he's Swedish , or as he likes to call him, "a Viking" (he considers "viking" being a sort of dirty word describing a very massive blond Swedish man with no religion, or a "filthy pagan").
Today, I decided to get in the cowgirl position since it's my fiancé's favorite. I got a little carried away during the "ride" and suddenly heard his dick crack. I fractured his penis. He's never going to have sex with me again. FML
Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, then I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said, “I wanted to try something new.” FML
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