The Top

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Humblebrag in disguise

By samantha - 23/06/2020 02:02

Today, while buying drinks, the cashier immediately refused me and said, “Don’t even bother showing me your ID, you’re obviously 12." I’m 31. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 831

You deserved it 163

By FUCK ME, MAKE IT STOP - 01/11/2013 18:38 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to go to a big dinner with my insane relatives. Highlights of conversation included my sister telling us about the "country of Iowa", my dad accusing me of faking my chronic fatigue syndrome, and my grandpa claiming that Nelson Mandela is the Antichrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 975

You deserved it 3 214

Shame!

By milly - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Norway

Today, my mother commented "Loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 783

You deserved it 6 761

By Anonymous - 27/10/2013 16:33 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 807

You deserved it 4 465

By scammed - 18/12/2011 05:18 - Canada

Today, I caught my mother attempting to write a $1400 cheque. To whom? The proprietor of a "Christian charity fund" with whom she had been having Internet conversations. The proprietor's name, and that on the cheque, was "Herp McDerpington". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 931

You deserved it 2 887

Thanks babe...

By okaykk - 05/09/2018 13:00

Today, after having hardly any sleep the whole weekend, I was woken up at 3:30 am by the sound of running water. I opened my eyes to find my fiancé peeing in my favorite water bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 543

You deserved it 232

Dumbass

By O-|---<=~ - 18/10/2013 23:01 - United States - Bellingham

Today, my otherwise lovely boyfriend of a month showed his true colors. He freaked out when he learned that I use tampons instead of pads. He yelled that using them is like cheating on him, because his penis is the only thing that should ever enter me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 948

You deserved it 5 685

By tishihish - 12/12/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I walked into the Macy's bathroom to find Santa taking a dump with the door open. Merry Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 946

You deserved it 2 826

By L0L59 - 07/09/2018 14:30

Today, I got my braces checked by another orthodontist since I've had them for years and my teeth never got the way they should be. After 8 years and 27 x-ray exams, my orthodontist didn't do much except loosen the root of the tooth to the point where I can move it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 958

You deserved it 194

By Rumpkis - 05/12/2011 01:30 - United States

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 006

You deserved it 18 694

Hot wheels

By Liam. - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I was in an elevator, and the hot girl who lives in my building and who I have a crush on got in. She was in a wheelchair with a broken leg, I panicked and tried to flirt with her, and I said, "Nice chair." She replied, "Nice bruise" and punched me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 783

You deserved it 52 466

By Anonymous - 01/12/2011 03:11 - United States

Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 388

You deserved it 4 403

On time

By Anonymous - 28/01/2020 14:00 - United States - Oakland

Today, I finally got up early enough to get to work on time. I arrived 15 minutes early only to realize that I'd left my work laptop at home. Ended up being 30 minutes late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 645

You deserved it 1 080

Nice try, Mom

By Agirl - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - El Cerrito

Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 584

You deserved it 2 914

By USSEYL - 26/11/2008 04:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 117

You deserved it 27 504

By hitintheeye - 26/11/2011 15:09 - Canada

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 625

You deserved it 17 168

By Kaji - 14/11/2008 11:20 - France

Today, I sent a text message to my girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to make love to her tonight. I've just realized I sent it to her brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 561

You deserved it 24 141

By Can I press charges? - 15/01/2015 17:23 - Australia - Hamilton

Today, my nutjob girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my best friend, just because she's a woman. Before she left, my now-ex decided to punish me by destroying the dissertation I've spent months working on, along with both backups of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 626

You deserved it 4 672

By my gran is a cuntwaffle - 26/09/2013 20:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 608

You deserved it 6 428

By PizzaPants - 29/02/2016 18:12 - United States - Denver

Today, I dropped a pizza I made. Don't worry though, I caught it between my hands and legs. I no longer have fingerprints on my right hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 722

You deserved it 2 032

By dadyoureacunt - 21/09/2013 13:10 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 542

You deserved it 7 475

By mocass’1 - 13/10/2008 08:19 - France

Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 96 651

You deserved it 43 846

Sharing is caring

By Joseph - 27/02/2016 02:52 - United States - El Paso

Today, my nephew gave me a piece of gum. He's not one to share, so I was rather shocked at his kindness. After a while chewing, he admitted he gave it to me because the pack was in his pocket when he peed his pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 316

You deserved it 1 901

By paperbox - 16/01/2011 05:07 - Australia

Today, my maths teacher was giving my whole class a lecture on 'if you don't pay attention at school, you will fail.' She then pointed out out a man working on the roof and said: 'if you don't listen, you will end up like that guy.' That was my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 187

You deserved it 3 310

By rmonk - 24/02/2016 13:13 - United States - Naperville

Today, I went to my required district science fair with my project about gliders and was a bit unprepared in terms of personal knowledge on the science behind gliders. I was hoping I would get a judge who didn't know a lot about aerodynamics. One of my judges was a glider pilot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 702

You deserved it 22 969

By boss stabber - 04/01/2015 06:52 - United States - Kings Beach

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for saying "It's a stab in the dark, though." According to him, it's a euphemism for anal sex and I was being offensive to a gay colleague, the same one who kept insisting it was no problem. I got written up anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 547

You deserved it 2 477

By Anonymous - 13/11/2011 08:40 - Canada

Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 959

You deserved it 2 508

By Professional_Ars - 18/10/2018 12:00

Today, my coworker brought chocolate muffins to work for everyone. This would have been really nice if they hadn't tasted like rotten blueberry muffins spray-painted brown. I reflexively gagged after taking a bite and coughed up a brown mush in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 537

You deserved it 236

Go mom!

By disgusted - 04/10/2012 23:24 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was watching TV with my mom, when a plumbing ad came on. A hot guy showed up on-screen and said, "I'm here to snake your drain." My mom immediately piped up with, "Oh, I'd let him snake my drain any day." Thanks for that imagery, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 761

You deserved it 3 322

By mac cayne - 02/05/2014 03:13 - France - Strasbourg

Today, it's been a week since I found an egg in the street that had seemingly fallen out of a nest. I'd bought a cage and an expensive incubator lamp to save it. It's thus been a week that I've been trying to save a mouldy old potato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 805

You deserved it 48 767

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The Top

Today, I picked out a toothpick from a pizza. This is not the first time I've had to do this. It is also not the first time that I didn't see it until less than a second before I bit down on the piece with the toothpick embedded in it. Looks like there's a toothpick assassin on the loose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 886

You deserved it 135

Today, my mom cussed at me because I denied my struggling cousin a job at my company, and now it's my fault he and his family will suffer and starve. He was fired from his former job as a payroll officer, and is now blacklisted. Over 30 people got zero on payday, as he later went Living La Vida Loca with his "bonus". FML

I agree, your life sucks 446

You deserved it 57

Today, I realized I agreed to go to the gym with my fiancé after being on my feet at work all day because he wants to get fit, but he will not help me remodel the house I’m working on so we can have a bigger place to live, because he doesn’t feel like it. I don’t want or need to go to the gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 085

You deserved it 347

Today, my step-mom stole over $100 in cash from me, dumped dirty cat litter all over my clean bed sheets, and called me a whore for having a polite conversation with my boyfriend. I confronted my father about it. He told me to forgive her, because she's "on her period." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 652

You deserved it 2 732

Today, I sent a kinky text message to my boyfriend. Within minutes I got a reply of, "Whoever this is, fuck off and give my girlfriend's phone back." Apparently I'm so bad at writing sexy messages that my boyfriend thought it was a prank from someone who'd stolen my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 999

You deserved it 10 771

Today, walking to work in a snowstorm since I don't own a car, a man rolled down his window and screamed, "what are you doing you f***ing freak? you stupid b**ch!", while I waited for a green light to cross. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 332

You deserved it 2 602