Today, I was trying to be environmentally friendly by using a reusable water bottle, but didn't screw the top on properly, so while I was chatting to someone it splashed it all over my computer and bricked it. FML
Today, two girls came up to me on the street and asked if they could take a photo with me for their high school scavenger hunt, because they needed a picture with a stranger. One of the girls shook her head and said to the other, "It needs to be an attractive stranger" and walked away. FML
Today, in a rush to get to the gym after work for a class, I left my phone in the office. It's Friday and the building will be locked until Monday morning. FML
Today, after I fired a guy two weeks ago for being a lazy ass, I'd put his job out for applicants to apply, I was going to have the interviews. My assistant informed me only one person applied. It was him, applying to get his job back. I had to rehire him because the position needed filling today. FML
Today, I had to call the police to get my crazy stalker of a neighbor out of my house. When the police arrived, I found out that she was friends with the officer. FML
Today, I was eating an ice cream on a sidewalk and some woman decided it was time to clip her toenails on her balcony above me. One of the nail shards fell onto my ice cream. FML
Today, I noticed several grey streaks in my hair while putting it in its usual combover. I'm only 18 years-old, and my hair was once one of my greatest sources of pride. FML
Today, at work, I was criticized for mentioning the actual subject of an email in the subject line, as well as using a text marker to make relevant information stand out. Apparently, this is confusing for some people. FML
Today, I beat my boyfriend at chess, whilst also doing my homework and cooking dinner, and he got upset about it. FML
Today, I went to my boss with a major problem with our distribution software. His response was, "Oh, that is a big problem… Unfortunately it's now 5:31 p.m. and I'm officially on leave and going to Hawaii for three weeks, so it’s not my big problem. It’s yours." FML
Today, at work, I got chilli powder in my eye. Now not only do I have a swollen, blistered eye, but I am covered in milk as my boss assured me that would help. FML
Today, one of our store's beach balls came out of nowhere and whacked me in the back of my head. I started reaming out two young girls for playing in the store, even when they said it wasn't them. Soon after, one of my employees admitted that it was her. I made some 7-year-olds cry and it wasn't them. FML
Today, my rabidly pro-life friend has been touting off about, “My body, my choice” because of the proposed vaccine mandates. When I reminded her that she’s always been against women making choices about their bodies, she screamed I was a murdering, commie bitch. Thanks, friend. FML
Today, I went on a date for the first time in months. Over dessert, my date told a joke, and I tittered vigorously, causing me to choke and throw up all over him. FML
Today, Thanksgiving Day and I have no family to spend with, all my friends are busy or out of town, and the only person actively talking to me is a random guy on Bumble. FML
Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, who has frequent night terrors, also sleepwalks. And apparently sleep-pisses on the bathroom rug. FML
Today, at a local mini mart, I tried several times to open a door that clearly said "PUSH" by pulling it, much to the amusement to the customers and staff inside. FML
Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML
Today, I now have a plantar wart, chigger bites, and a brown recluse spider bite all in the same foot. FML
Today, I noticed that even though I got all my Christmas shopping done a month earlier than usual, I forgot to put anything in the mail. FML
Today, I got a message from my teacher about my homework. We were supposed to write an original myth explaining a natural event. My teacher bumped my grade for it down to a C for copying a myth that already exists. My myth was based on an original story I've been writing for two years. FML
Today, my neighbors put up their Christmas lights. They blink red and green on and off. Ever since they put them up, my dog hasn't stopped barking. It's 2:00AM. FML
Today, I overheard my female coworkers huddling in the breakroom, rating the male coworkers from hottest to least. My manager is, “Probably packing, teehee.” The new kid, “has a girlfriend but that won’t stop me.” They unanimously agree that I’m, “friendly but probably lowkey a creep.” FML
Today, I was looking for proof that my dad’s much younger girlfriend is just a dumb gold digging slut looking for a payday. Turns out she has a PhD, owns her own home, and makes six figures. So what’s she doing with his old ass? FML
Today, I took a shower after I finished typing an important essay I've been working on for days. My computer illiterate mum shut the computer down when I was gone, without saving a thing. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for "wasting electricity". FML
Today, my coworker tested positive for Covid. Here's to working 11 hours shifts for the next 10 days to help cover. FML
Today, I quit dating forever. I’m an overweight girl with glasses. I attempted to put flattering selfies on dating profiles, but the guys run from me or ghost me when I meet them in person. I took a friend’s advice and put honest, full body pics of myself. I got zero messages. None. I give up. FML
Today, my 6-year-old son asked me what a "sex toy" was. Not really knowing what to tell him, I said it was a game. He's asked for one for Christmas. FML
Today, around 2:00 a.m. I had just sat down on my couch when I noticed one of my cats poking at what appeared to be a toy. I attempted to pick it up to play with the cat when it started to move like a mouse. I squealed like a girl and woke up my wife upstairs. I'm a 26-year-old man. FML
Today, I went to Burger King. I was sipping the drink and put it on my window sill to save for later. I fell asleep, and when I woke up my mouth was dry. I took a sip and felt something go into my mouth. Thinking it was an ice cube, I bit down on it. It was not an ice cube. It was a cockroach. FML
LoLLightning tells us more.
OP here, okay for all of those who are retarded and have never tried to submit an FML before, you only get 300 characters. Most people can put together that I got my food, went home, and put the drink on my window sill and fell asleep. I wasn't exactly thinking that the ice melted when I was more than half asleep and thirsty. I'm sorry that I can't describe my experience in intricate detail for all the retards that don't understand normal human talk. Thank you very much.
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