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By mark - 05/03/2012 22:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for our anniversary. Mid-way through the meal, a guy at the table across left for the restroom. My girlfriend reached over and swiped the guy's wallet from the table. My gonads went AWOL, and I couldn't even bring myself to call her out on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 226

You deserved it 29 191

Seen a ghost

By Anonymous - 28/06/2025 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, you know that cute video of the girl waking up from anaesthesia, seeing her boyfriend and calling him cute even though she’s drugged up? Yeah, good for him. Meanwhile, my husband just woke up from his surgery all drugged up, looked at me, and said, "Ew, Grandma, I thought you were dead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 507

You deserved it 115

By must be adopted - 11/02/2013 01:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I casually mentioned to my dad that it was the Chinese New Year yesterday. He accused me of insulting his intelligence by "making stupid shit up." I explained that it's real, and that we just use the Gregorian calendar, hence the different dates. He responded by grounding me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 700

You deserved it 4 553

By raven_teen_titan - 04/03/2012 05:51 - United States

Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 675

You deserved it 3 521

Christmas family fun

By KittyT - 25/12/2023 12:00 - Australia - Buderim

Today, on Christmas Eve, I got dumped. Why? Because he couldn't live with my psychotic sister after she threatened to get him arrested if she punched him, because he's black. We still love each other and we're in tears having to separate until we can get a house in the housing crisis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 596

You deserved it 219

Let's spend some time together

By lucy - 03/03/2009 05:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me what I enjoyed most about the weekend we'd spent together. I mention in detail a certain move he'd pulled when we made love. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replied, "Putting my fish tank together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 634

You deserved it 6 142

Red flag

By Anonymous - 04/09/2022 22:00

Spicy

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend after we went to my family reunion. I heard him complaining that I didn't have any "slutty cousins" he could cheat on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 716

You deserved it 212

Introductions

By Mayshod - 03/05/2011 12:04

Today, I met my new neighbors when they backed into my parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 245

You deserved it 2 808

By Alexander - 30/05/2010 16:53 - Russian Federation

Today, I found that my cats somehow managed to pull the plug of my fridge out of the socket. Several days ago. Now I have to get rid of a ton of stinking food and clean the stinking fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 750

You deserved it 7 357

By SlowLane - 11/09/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, I got 4 "photo enforced" speeding tickets in the mail. It was from the car that was stolen from me three weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 351

You deserved it 2 842

Sprinkler system

By missed - 25/06/2021 14:01 - United States

Today, I was using a mall bathroom. Thinking the toilet seat had to be unsanitary, I decided to squat. I was a little farther out than I thought, and ended up peeing all over the bathroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 262

You deserved it 1 443

By kal - 28/02/2012 21:03 - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 539

You deserved it 37 047

Hurry up

By Anonymous - 28/05/2010 18:07 - United States

Today, while running late to my sister's wedding and rushing to get ready, I accidentally grabbed my travel size shaving cream can in place of my body spray, and quickly drew a blue foaming line across my rental tux. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 099

You deserved it 14 028

****** around…

By Anonymous - 08/01/2024 20:00 - United States - New Philadelphia

Spicy

Today, I had unprotected sex with my 63 year-old friend. I’ve been told I would have trouble ever conceiving naturally. Now he’s worried I'm pregnant. It wouldn’t be so bad if his we weren’t both married. Here’s to hoping I’m not, and if so this baby comes out with brown eyes like mine and my husband's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 1 115

By katams - 26/02/2012 12:28 - United States

Today, I was going for a walk and I kept smelling pee wherever I went. After about an hour, I finally figured out that the smell was me. My dog had peed on my sweatshirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 802

You deserved it 5 307

By *sigh* - 23/05/2010 01:24 - United States

Today, I was working as a counsellor at a special needs camp when one of the parents came up to my friend and asked her what my disorder was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 909

You deserved it 3 556

By gottapee - 26/04/2011 23:11 - United States

Today, I stepped outdoors for a minute. The wind blew the door shut, locking me outside. I've spent the last two hours pounding frantically on the windows, trying to wake my 4 year old son who is inside. I can see him sleeping soundly on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 723

You deserved it 6 032

Fight me, loser

By mrmidi - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I learned two important facts: #1 - A grown man can, in fact, get beaten up by a teenage girl, and #2 - If someone is convinced you are someone else, there is no telling them otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 883

You deserved it 4 389

Slightly homophobic, but OK

By Reissa - 16/09/2022 07:30 - Canada

Today, I realized people think my boyfriend is gay because he loves romantic movies, gardening, shoe shopping, reading magazines, and bathing by himself in candlelight. After him asking me to cuddle and me to be the "big spoon," I'm starting to question it too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 475

You deserved it 1 510

By AndelleRae - 22/02/2012 12:02 - United States

Today, everyone in my house has a horrible stomach flu. My two toddler nephews don't understand that they need to throw up in the bathroom, so they just blow chunks everywhere. I have to clean it up, while trying not to do the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 348

You deserved it 2 284

AndelleRae tells us more.

AndelleRae 9

Wednesday 22 February 2012 17:02

This is mine. They are two and three years old, and while I tried to give them little buckets, they didn't always make it in. It's my job to watch them because I am their full time live in nanny. My sister works third shift and her husband recently passed away, so it's down to me to take care of them. Everyone is over it now, but it was a pretty nasty couple of days, for sure.

By Anonymous - 25/04/2011 22:38 - United States

Today, I was at the bakery I work at. A man came in to pick up a cake he said he ordered, but we could find neither the cake nor the order form. He yelled at me about being 'incompetent' before remembering that he had ordered the cake from a different bakery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 146

You deserved it 3 003

Insecure

By Anonymous - 28/09/2022 21:30

Today, after my wife said I could decide what to do with our spare room, I decided to make a home gym. She hasn't stopped ranting about "patriarchal diet culture" and "unrealistic body expectations" since. I just wanted to get fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 136

By Anonymous - 30/01/2014 18:13 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, while playing badminton at school, I got an opponent who is mentally handicapped. Since I'm terrible at the game, I guess the teacher assumed it would be a good match. I won the match, my first victory ever. My teacher accused me of cheating to humiliate him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 095

You deserved it 4 487

By effmylife - 06/09/2009 23:12 - Canada

Today, when I was finished eating at McDonald's, I went to Shoppers to pick up a new toothbrush. I got back to my car only to find the windows smashed in. The only thing that was missing from my car was the Hello Kitty toy I got from McDonald's. Someone broke into my car for a 10 cent toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 204

You deserved it 3 680

Add another to the score

By seriously? - 25/02/2009 22:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, the guy I like told me in casual conversation that I shouldn't get mad at him if he makes out with other girls at the bar, he only does it when he's drunk, that he doesn't really like them. We've been sleeping together for a week now. He met me at the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 360

You deserved it 35 657

By vw - 20/02/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 488

You deserved it 6 502

By anonymous - 22/04/2011 05:20

Today, I watched a YouTube video at work because I was bored. I forgot I was on a conference call and my computer's desktop was shared with 15 other people. No one said anything till it ended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 413

You deserved it 44 423

By Kenny - 24/01/2014 07:16 - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, I noticed my laptop kept shutting down and the mouse cursor was all over the place, clicking on every folder. I dismantled the entire computer only to notice something in one of my USB drives: the receiver to a wireless mouse my colleague put there earlier to play a prank on me. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 39 473

You deserved it 8 349

By 1ndustrytx - 04/09/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I was awakened by the sound of chain-saws. Moments later a tree branch came through my roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 308

You deserved it 2 229

History

By catfish - 23/02/2009 22:11 - United States

Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those '70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 379

You deserved it 52 190

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was helping my mom pack for our family vacation. We were both talking about how excited we were, when she turned to me and said, "Would you be offended if I asked you not to come? It's just… I want to have fun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 112

You deserved it 5 580

Today, I'm a young, healthy non-smoker, getting plenty of exercise and walking about 8.000 steps a day. I still have ice-cold feet. Even wearing two pairs of socks. And Lambswool boots. In July. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 303

You deserved it 236

Today, I realized my breasts look like sweat socks and my ass is sagging so much, it slaps the back of my legs. My neck has grown three chins, and I have put on 40 lbs. Yes, the golden years are here at last, and they can certainly kiss my ass. Happy 50th to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 402

You deserved it 536

Today, I swear to Christ, I prefer being at work these days, because when I’m at home if it’s not the kids screaming then it’s my wife moaning about nothing, or the dogs whining and barking, or the neighbour coming round to moan about all the noise. Sometimes wish I was bleeding deaf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 480

Today, after I spent years, and thousands of dollars, searching for my birth father, he changed his mind about adopting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 173

Today, my husband confessed to having an affair, resulting in us loudly arguing. Our 8 year-old daughter asks what was going on. My husband told her, “If you don’t want a divorce when you grow up, a word of advice: eat your fruits and vegetables so you don’t become a fat slob who gets cheated on!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 888

You deserved it 407