Today, while many women have a wardrobe full of nothing-to-wear, my mom has a fridge full of nothing-to-eat and a living room full of nowhere-to-sit. FML
Today, I received a call from my employer. They found that some of my nudes have surfaced on the internet. Personal nudes and videos I took exclusively for my boyfriend. He denies he put them out there. Then who did? How stupid does he think I am? FML
Today, I seemingly have the perfect life. A clean house, a car, two well behaved kids, and stability in every way. I'm also quite good looking, with a good body and health. It's like out of a sitcom/postcard. The only catch is that my husband has literally zero libido and won't have sex with me. FML
Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my phone ringing. As I groggily reached for it I managed to knock my fan onto my head, leaving a grate-shaped bruise. The best part? My phone wasn't ringing, I dreamed myself awake. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend he needed to wash his sheets more often after I discovered the same wet spot from the last time I slept over. He shrugged and said, “What’s the big deal babe? It’s your spot.” It’s been over two weeks. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. I also found out that my best friend knew about it all along. When I confronted him, he tried to justify the betrayal by saying that she paid him to keep quiet. FML
Today, I was having lunch with my mom before an important job interview. She commented than my lips looked dry and crackly and gave me her chapstick with aloe to put on. Apparently I'm allergic to aloe and my lips got so swollen I could hardly talk. It was too late to reschedule the interview. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice, "Oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said, "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML
Today, and for the past month, I'm so lonely that I fall asleep holding my teddy bear's paw for comfort. FML
Hold my beer!
Today, I was rushed to hospital with two ribs sticking out of my chest, with blood everywhere, but did I get sympathy from my sister? No, I got accused of being hit by a forklift on purpose to ruin her birthday party, then she tried to rip my bandages off to "prove I was faking the whole thing" and split my stitches. FML
Today, I woke up to a mouse sitting on my pillow and chewing on my hair. FML
Today, I told my dad that I was going to sleep over my friend's house this weekend with a few other guys to play Dungeons and Dragons. He responded with, "Oh, back in my day, me and my pals used to pick on the kids who played Dungeons and Dragons." FML
Today, walking in the woods, I heard someone screaming like crazy. First I thought it might be a hurt animal, but then I heard syllables in the screams. When I yelled, “What’s going on there?!” there was only silence. It was so creepy, I’m too scared to walk my dogs there now. FML
Today, I had a headache when I woke up for school. I had final exams that day, so I took what I thought were 2 advils. They were two sleeping pills. FML
Today, I came out to my mom as a lesbian. She told me that it was impossible, because since she isn't one, she therefore couldn't have given birth to one. She still won't believe me. FML
Today, a doctor squeezed so much cheese out of a huge lump on my nutsack, for a second I was convinced he’d poked a hole in my bollock and was squeezing out my baby-making juice. FML
Today, I was scolding my 8 year-old son because he was getting bad grades in school. I told him that he should get straight "A"s like his friend Ceejay. He told me that comparing him to Ceejay was unfair. When I asked why, he said, "Because his dad is actually smart." FML
Today, I got to explain to my co-worker again why I can't move my "vacation" so she can take hers when she wants. Apparently, in her mind, her seniority at the company trumps my due date. FML
sulitak tells us more.
sulitak 27
1. It did take work to get pregnant. 2. I put in for my leave as soon as I found out. It has been on the schedule for 5 months already. 3. She is the SAME position as me, not my superior. She has just held a position at the company for longer. Though, even if it was a vacation for vacation thing, I would still have priority through our company's rules. Seniority get priority to a point. Low man on the totem pole can request days off, then it gets put on the calendar, everyone above them has a month to "override" those days. If it stands for a month with no objections, low man gets their vacation.
Today, my neighbor called me on vacation to tell me that she let my mother into my house to feed my fish. I don't have fish, and my mother passed away 3 years ago. FML
Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a fear I'll drown and I'm totally afraid of swimming anyway and never get anywhere near water. My instructor? A high school classmate of mine. My fellow swimming classmates? 5 and 6 year old kids. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend what she thought of a certain plus-sized vocalist, to which she replied, "She's gorgeous!" I said, "That's great because you remind me a lot of her." Now she's not talking to me. FML
Today, I was cashiering at Walmart, when a customer picked open a cold-sore on her lip before trying to give me her money with the same hand. When I freaked out and refused to take her money, she started screaming and threatening to sue me for "violating the First Amendment." FML
Today, I was emptying a bag of grass from my lawn mower when I saw pieces of what used to be a 50 dollar bill. FML
Today, as I was watching a DVD, I noticed a spider crawling on my crotch area. So, I panicked and smashed the spider, smashing my nuts in the process. FML
Today, my ex referred to missing my last two weekends with my daughter as an example of my typical unreliable parenting. I was in hospital after a drug addict stabbed me in the intestines with a broken glass bong, used to smoke god only knows what, but sure, it’s typical me behaviour. FML
Today, my son was arrested for tagging a wall with the well known symbol of a certain evil Nazi leader. Not only that, the police showed me a picture of the graffiti and turns out he’s so dumb he couldn’t even draw the symbol properly and gave up after 4 failed attempts. FML
Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML
Today, I had an elderly man come to my cash register. His total came to $15.50 He handed me $5 in nickels and dimes. A full roll of quarters. Before I could take the roll, he bust it open, making me count it. After that was all counted he was 50 cents short. So he handed me a $10 bill. FML
Today, I’m stuck in a situation. It’s my mom's wedding, but her fiancé had a heart attack and died this morning. Now I’m surrounded by crying people, having to pretend to be upset so no one gets mad at me. I couldn’t care less to be honest, the man was an arsehole who treated mom and me like shit in private. FML
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