Today, I came to the conclusion that my dad must have had a psychotic break, because when I came home, he was wearing sunglasses indoors, and blasted out Skrillex music all through the evening. The sound of diarrhea pouring into a gutter would make for better music than this. FML
Today, at 21 years old, I am still so flat chested that I can't even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds. FML
Today, I went from a party where both of my girlfriends decided to show, to a hospital bed with no girlfriends and a painful left testicle. FML
Today, I had my high school reunion. The nerdy guy that I picked on all 4 years had married a Swedish supermodel, then divorced her for a Brazilian supermodel. My girlfriend works at 7-11. Karma sucks. FML
Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML
Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML
Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML
Today, while waiting in line at Gamestop, another customer and the cashier started chatting about how Pokémon is for kids, and anyone over 10 who's into it is weird. Embarrassed, I put the new Pokémon game back on the shelf and snuck out of the store. FML
Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
Today, I had to explain to my son that his dad was too busy in a raid on World of Warcraft to be at his award ceremony. FML
Today, my girlfriend tried to change her pad while we were sitting in a crowded movie theatre. She succeeded and slipped the used pad into her purse. I can't get rid of the memory, and I don't think I can ever eat popcorn again. FML
Today, my husband and I were talking about names for our expectant child. I told him since I named our daughter he could name our son. He's decided on a name from 'God of War'. My son is going to be named after a make-believe cartoon character - Kratos. FML
Today, I begged my husband to take me to the ER cause my stomach hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die. He told me to go sit on the toilet and stop being a drama queen. I drove myself to the hospital just in time for my appendix to burst. I almost died because my husband was busy playing Xbox. FML
Today, I was going to have sex with my Hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say "fuck me" in Spanish. She claimed it was 'pollo frito'. I then had sex, constantly screaming 'pollo frito' for an hour. I later realized I was screaming "fried chicken." FML
Today, I had to run a mile in gym class for fitness training. If it takes longer than 10 minutes to run the stretch, you have to re-take it. My time was 10:02. FML
Today, I saw my super creepy live-in uncle standing in the kitchen holding a pair of my underwear and smiling at it, humming to himself. He didn't see me. I stood there for at least 30 seconds in shock, and when I backed away he was still looking at them. FML
beatrix_fml tells us more.
okay. OP here. yes, i created an account just to answer some questions. 1) i am a girl. but really, i'm sorry. it's pretty much just as creepy as if i were a guy. 2) the reason he didn't hear me or see me is because the way my house is set up, it's a two-story house with a full finished basement. i live in the basement. i was coming up the stairs, and the kitchen is at the top of the stairs. so i was still near the bottom of the stairs, he was up at the top in the kitchen. also, he was humming to himself and clearly... not paying attention to anything else. also, the kitchen is right by the laundry room, so it wasn't completely random that he was standing in the kitchen with them. except... it still kind of is. 3) they were definitely my underwear. 4) he does have mental health issues. the reason he lives with us is because he was really depressed a few years ago. but that's pretty much the least of his problems. heebidy jeebidy. 5) i honestly don't know if they were clean or not. and lastly... yes, i have told my parents. they're not sure what to do about it, but they are putting a lock on my door and all of my laundry is to stay in my room now and go directly from my room to the washer and back to my room, and he's not allowed anywhere near them. i don't think they've talked to him about it yet. ewihatehim.
Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML
Today, my boyfriend woke up wheezing terribly, aching, and sneezing. He's allergic to cats. I have 2 and they are my babies. He gave me an ultimatum, him or the cats. I haven't figured out how I'm going to tell him that I choose the cats. FML
Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML
Today, I was taking a shower and I saw a new body wash that said "Radiance Ribbons." That sounded a little effeminate, but it smelled manly enough and the only alternative was normal soap, so I used it. Just now, I stepped out into the sun and found out what "Radiance Ribbons" means. I sparkle. FML
Today, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend I still love, and his new girlfriend, who he cheated on me with. Embarrassingly, she was wearing the same top as me. However hers was in size 6, unlike my 16. FML
Today, it was raining heavily. I saw a large puddle by the edge of the road near with a passing lady. Thinking it would be funny to splash her, I swerved to hit the puddle. The puddle was deeper than I thought. I lost control of the car, spun out, and hit two parked cars. FML
Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML
Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML
Today, I confided to my dad that since the recent breakup with my boyfriend of 3 months, I feel down all the time and life doesn't feel worth living anymore. His loving advice was for me to "grow the fuck up and get your sentimental head out of la-la land." FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, I was sitting beside a very cute girl on a 3 hour bus trip with my class. She fell asleep, head on my lap. She woke up because my erection was jabbing her in the cheek. FML
Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML
Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML
Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML
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