Today, I found my car with its front end smashed in. The offender was nowhere to be seen, but had left a helpful note that stated, "Sorry about your car but you can go fuck yourself because you will never find me. Muwahahaha!" FML
Today, I’m on holiday with my kids and crazy wife, who often throws a temper tantrum towards us. We have rented an apartment in front of a pool. There's a heat wave but because we are all infected with Impetigo, we can’t use it. On top of that, I’ve developed a sun allergy and eczema, so I’m just inside, with no AC, FML
Today, my husband woke up with the first boner he’s had in almost 6 years. He yelled for me to join him so we could have sex again like the old days, but by the time I was finished on the toilet and raced to get to him with my pants still round my ankles, he'd gone soft. We’re only in our 30s. FML
Today, after the girl I fell head over heels for asked me out last night, it turns out she was so drunk at the time, she doesn't remember and doesn't want to date me at all. I'm beginning to feel like my life is some shitty movie. FML
Today, I went through the stuff that I'd left at my ex’s place and started unpacking it. I found a pair of another girl's panties. We broke up a little over a week ago. FML
Today, I found out that the stiffness I've been feeling in my hand is arthritis and that it's only going to get worse. Not only do I type for my job, I'm also 22. FML
Today, I walked into the bar to meet my Tinder date and sat down next to him at the bar. Without looking up from his phone, his first words to me were, “Piss off fatty, I’m meeting a hot chick tonight.” I guess he didn’t recognise me with my hair done and in a nice dress. FML
Today, I renamed my home Wi-Fi to “PleaseTalkToMeSarah” to hint to my crush/neighbour. Later, I realized the whole apartment building could see it, and had worked out who it belonged to. Now strangers keep asking if Sarah had talked to me yet. She hasn’t. FML
Today, I travelled to the beach, and I got what I thought was a food crumb in my phone charger port. I poked it around and it was so gross to realize that it was an insect. I removed the bug with a tissue corner, used an old brush to clean the rest up. I panicked and thought it was a bug infestation in my hostel room. FML
Today, my guy finally got his brother out of their house so we could try and get busy. It was going okay when he tried to put on a condom. It got soft. We messed around a little longer tried again. Then a third time. I finally just started to get dressed and he took me to work. FML
Today, I'm running so fucking low on money, I have to go to the supermarket to eat free bites of ham, cheese and whatever they have on their aisles for breakfast. FML
Today, I had to get a nail removed from my head after a nail gun incident. The nail was actually touching my brain but didn’t cause damage. Of course being a builder with typical builder mates, the joke now is that I’m so brainless even getting shot in the head doesn’t make a difference. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's office to get my yearly check up. Soon after I got home, I threw up and somehow had a fever. FML
Today, my sister and brother in law went on holiday, so my 3 year-old nephew is staying with me while they’re gone. He walked in on me and my boyfriend while he was eating me out. It’s been an hour and he won’t stop crying. FML
Today, I was out with friends when one of them started complaining about having to spend $50 on two copays for his therapist. He makes more a week than I do in three, and I can't even get seen by any type of healthcare professional because nowhere is accepting new patients. FML
Today, I needed the big forklift at work. The one that gets hidden by people and that has nearly no keys left because they all got lost. I had organised a key and I knew where it was parked, so nothing could go wrong. When I tried to put the key in the ignition, there was only a hole. The ignition was gone. FML
Today, I found out that my closest friend of many years had been putting on a charade of being my friend, and has decided that they can't be bothered with the effort of me existing any more. FML
Today, my wife got home from a 8 day vacation with our daughter. She was instantly angry and yelling at me for not setting the new lights she asked me to install to the correct settings; mad at the paint job I spent hours on in our shower being “not professional enough”; irate that I got a Roomba. One hour down. FML
Today, I can't seem to let go of what my family had done. Years ago, they spent hundreds, if not a thousand, for gifts on a family friend's baby shower, yet have bought nothing for my shower, which was two months ago, not to mention none of them attended the shower either. They've had the registry for 5 months, and I'm due in 3 days. FML
Today, I got fired because, while responding to an emergency page for the volunteer fire department to help find a man in a field with a gunshot wound, I backed into a rock with the company truck that I drive to and from work. Nobody asked about the guy with the bullet inside him. He's OK now, in case anyone cares. FML
Today, I was babysitting my friend's two year-old daughter. Within 15 minutes, she had crawled out of her crib, taken off her diaper, and smooshed her poop in between the cracks in the floor. I put her in the tub, left to get a towel, and came back to her pooping in the tub. FML
Today, I’m going to have two Thanksgivings. One at my parents' for the first half of the day, then the other at my house. I let my boyfriend know beforehand about it, as well as my sister. She then told my mom about my plan and next thing I know, I got a phone call from mom that turned into her yelling at me for not staying all day. FML
Today, my parents have been whining about me spending a weekend there, so I did. I have severe IBS and sent them the list of foods I can eat 2 weeks ago when I told them I was coming. They had no food in the house that I could eat without getting sick, and got offended when I didn’t eat or tried to buy my own food. FML
Today, like every day for the past two years, my aged mother has sat complaining all day loudly about relatives who call too little or too much, about another package being a few days late, or her laptop and TV not working properly. All while I'm trying to quietly work from home. I'm about ready to jump off a bridge. FML
Today, I was at Costco, with my six year-old and my baby. I turned my back on them to grab something off a shelf and heard the baby scream. I turned around and saw my son dumping a gallon jug of mayonnaise all over my baby in his stroller. FML
Today, my cheating ex is telling everyone she knows that I'm a stalker, abuser, and manipulator. I was always there for her and was trying to talk to her. The other guy was the guy she lost her V-card to in high school. He deals drugs, and beat his ex, even her back in the day. She has nothing but praise for him. FML
Today, I've come to the realization that the only people to call me handsome are women above the age of 55, gay men, or women trying to get money from me and failing. I don't even get a compliment on a haircut after not cutting it for a year. FML
Today, I went with my family to visit my aunt, who lives on a farm. My brother told me that cows are ticklish and convinced me to go up and tickle one of the cows. The cow clearly wasn’t a fan, and I ended up being chased right into a lake. FML
Today, while at my friend's house, she had to leave the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlock and told me that I had "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to walk again," because she's in love with me. Then he left. I'm a gay guy. FML
Today, my sister saw an empty bottle of squirty cream in my bedroom, and now her and my siblings keep teasing me about how I must have a really kinky sex life. Truth is, I ate the cream by myself with cake, chocolate and biscuits, because I was depressed about it actually being 2 years since I had sex. FML
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