Today, my sister saw an empty bottle of squirty cream in my bedroom, and now her and my siblings keep teasing me about how I must have a really kinky sex life. Truth is, I ate the cream by myself with cake, chocolate and biscuits, because I was depressed about it actually being 2 years since I had sex. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, as I was going to hook up with a sex friend, I discovered that my pack of condoms was missing. Then I saw my sister chewing out her two 10-year-old twins, who'd found them in my drawer. This how my family, who had visited me for family dinner, found out about my sexual life. FML
Today, I agreed to let my boyfriend cover every inch of my body in whipped cream and lick it off. We were both enjoying it until his 9 year old sister walked in and started crying. FML
Today, after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship, my girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body with whipped cream. Except, we didn't have any in the fridge, so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of her while fighting the urge to vomit. FML
Today, I found out my younger sister is too cheap to buy her own sex toys, so she has been borrowing mine. I clean mine thoroughly after use but apparently she just puts them back in the box after she’s done, while they’re still wet. Not gonna lie, I threw up a little after she'd admitted it. FML
Today, it's been one week since spicing things up with mine and my husband's sex life by involving whipped cream. We can now smell of out of date diary, no matter what soap products we use showering. FML
Today, I realized my sister has a yeast infection. How, you ask? Her tube of yeast infection cream and my tube of toothpaste look remarkably similar. I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth. FML
Today, I came home from work and found my sister using my vibrator in my own bed. FML
Today, my parents heard from my sister that I'd recently lost my virginity to my girlfriend. I've never been bitched out so viciously in my life, and yet my sister, whom everyone knows has had numerous casual sexual partners this year, is treated like a princess 24/7. FML
Today, I was woken by my younger sister punching me in the balls. She also pulled the duvet off, and dragged me out of bed by my feet and onto the floor. All because I ate her chocolates, which were a gift. I was left writhing in pain in my underwear right in front of her. FML
Today, I discovered a drawer full of chocolates, cookies and baked goods in my house. When I asked my sister what the drawer was, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family had known about the food drawer, except me. FML
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Top comments
sweetpotato 12
are u referring to 'whip cream'.? if so, that's a really weird way to put it..
RichardPencil 32
And you're trying to have us believe that while you're having this little orgy, you didn't rub one out? Why else would you refer to it as "squirty cream?"
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Comments (3)
sweetpotato 12
are u referring to 'whip cream'.? if so, that's a really weird way to put it..
Nikki 17
I thought the same!
RichardPencil 32
You mean "whipped cream?" "Whip cream" is a conditioner for leather whips to keep them supple which maximizes the pain. Or so my kinky friend tells me.
human3rr0r 6
in England they call it squirty cream! 😂
human3rr0r 6
they call whipped cream in america but squirty cream in the UK
RichardPencil 32
And you're trying to have us believe that while you're having this little orgy, you didn't rub one out? Why else would you refer to it as "squirty cream?"
GhostPenguin 11
The only reason I know you are in the UK is because of Joshfromengland on Tik Tok