Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was talking to my boss about dogs and cats. I'm a dog person; he's a cat person. He told me that he likes cats better, because they are laid back and don't do anything all day. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Just like you?" FML
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML
Today, I went out for dinner with my long-term crush, who turned out to be a huge dog person. He asked me which dog breed I like the most. In an attempt to reply with both Labrador and Doberman, I accidentally said Dumbledore. FML
Today, I told someone “You too” when they'd said “Sorry for your loss” after I'd mentioned that I recently lost my dog to cancer. I realized what I'd said immediately and tried to fix it by talking more, which somehow made it worse. FML
Today, I was in bar and got talking to a guy next to me, who turned out to be American, which is quite exotic in my part of the UK. During the conversation, he mentioned being a vet, so I went on a long tangent about my cat's diarrhoea and asked him for advice. He let me babble on for ages before smiling and saying, "Not that kind of vet." FML
Today, I went to a friend's wedding and was seated at a table with a bunch of strangers. To break the ice, I told a funny story about my dog. Turns out one of the guests is an animal behaviorist and spent the next hour explaining how I’ve been raising him all wrong. Thanks for the unsolicited advice during cocktail hour. FML
Today, I went to a job interview and had a brilliant answer prepared for a common job interview question, but as soon as the interviewer asked what my main qualities were, my mind went blank and I blurted out, "I like turtles." FML
Today, I went to an extended family reunion. I started chatting to my great grandpa, and he asked me what I do for a living. Before I could tell him I breed animals, my visibly drunk dad interrupted and slurred, "Oh, she jacks things off. Horses, pigs, just about anything, really." FML
Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. I had to fart really badly, so thinking that he wouldn't hear me, I did so. He heard me and asked, "Did you fart?" I said "No, it was my dog." I don't have a dog, and he knows this. FML
Today, I realized my mom tells our dogs she loves them more than she says it to me. FML
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Top comments
SundayNightSix 23
Oh those Freudian slips..
Amanyyyyyy 29
Nice going, OP...
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Comments (142)
Amanyyyyyy 29
Nice going, OP...
Adeptasaurus 12
Profanity isn't necessary, dammit. If this was a stranger then that seems like an inappropriate response either way. I don't really know how to vote this one
Amanyyyyyy 29
You heard 13, OP. Stop ******* cursing!
cakefete2 31
I've heard parents say that to their kids, and then wonder why the children have a problem with profanity.
traviscool 12
can we all stop swearing for **** sake!
badluckalex 23
no **** you
christian1509 21
Why the **** is everyone swearing!
blobishness 8
#13 is an idiot. Said "profanity isn't necessary, dammit" well isn't that profanity?
ttubear 17
You are some genius.
jonfrenzy 10
Curses are profanity Hell,Damn, crap aren't curses
weveallbeenthere 30
**** that Shit
incoherentrmblr 22
I think Clerks 2 has you beat for ***********... I mean interspecies erotica...
Axel5238 29
Do as they say not as they do. Really though OP if you can't say love animals without saying **** eh.. you might want to reconsider your vocabulary.
schwaka 17
**** that, profanity is a sentence enhancer!
booknerd269 4
That's the joke dumbass
RedDevel96 5
Why the **** are all you ****** people swearing! Holy ****
Razell 13
Actually they are! Profanity is any religious-based imprecatory word e.g. Hell, damn, Gorblimey, etc. ("Damn", by the way, is the sincere wish that the person or object be consigned to everlasting torment under the eternal displeasure of God.) Obscenity is any scatological or physiological-based imprecatory word, e.g. ****, shit, dick, etc. Curses are any wish for misfortune to befall the target of one's imprecations. Words like crap and darn and heck are Bowdlerized "child-safe" versions of profanities and obscenities. In the context of the FML, of course, "*******" is used as a verbal intensifier akin to "truly" or "dearly", only more obscene. If you don't know what "imprecation" and "imprecatory" mean, the dictionary is your friend and can expand your vocabulary to the point where "*******" is not the only verbal intensifier you know!
Amanyyyyyy 29
126- If you think "heck" is "child safe"... You should probably know it was originally meant to be a cross between "hell" and "****."
Bodgie 9
Too long #126, won't read.
SundayNightSix 23
Oh those Freudian slips..
duuuh1 11
Unless OP actually enjoys ******* animals I'm not sure how that's a Freudian slip
TrippingOnAcid 29
I think that was the point of the joke
TiiBags 15
He loves his bitches...
TiiBags 15
Sorry just saw #4
SundayNightSix 23
Thanks #45 it was meant to be a joke. In all my years on the internet I have still yet to find a way to accurately portray my sarcasm through simple text..
Driving_Gaming 22
Yeah, someone should invent some sarcasm mark which we can use at the end of our sentences.
SundayNightSix 23
I might just have to buy a new keyboard if that happens..
sunshineb81 16
#82 husband and I thought the same thing. We decided that this face :/ At the end if a text means sarcasm for us. Really helps us anyway. Someone definitely should start a universal sign for sarcasm in text.
Cplski 8
**** that, if they're too stupid to pick up on sarcasm they're too stupid to enjoy the joke.
hystericsky 11
My friend and I many years ago used to say "S" at the end of the sentence if it was sarcasm. Similar!
Marlee141717 9
I'm sure they could figure out what you meant.
cakefete2 31
Yea, but I'm willing to bet OP's "i ride ponies" t-shirt didn't help the situation.
Enslaved 38
What about his T-shirt that reads: "I come here to get drunk and **** bitches"?
cakefete2 31
I remember that shirt. That's the one that said "doggy style" on the back right? We need to take OP shopping for a new wardrobe. That'll clear up the misunderstandings.
Pleonasm 36
Everybody loves ******* bitches. The difference is that you're more of a sausage dog type of person.
Welshite 40
A chiweenie?
paigexox0 37
Well thats one awkward mix up of words
ZombieGirl95 13
indeed
mb2_native 15
The kind of mix up that would end up in him staying away from my dog for awhile hah
A_Twerking_Koala 9
Well, do you?
kinky44 28
I'm suprised no one has made a "doggy style" joke yet.
Pleonasm 36
Those types of people get sent to the doghouse.
cryssycakesx3 23
maybe someone will throw him a bone..
extrasnipes 22
he can make his own
Randyrhoads1994 11
Slip of the tongue. Happens to everyone. Hope it worked out. FYL
Vanshikap 24
thank you for this OP. its been 5 minutes,i still haven't stopped laughing.
brivielle 15
seriously??
PotterHead_DH 26
#48 Seriously.
SabrinaK1 12
I'm pretty sure they knew what you meant. It's ok OP.