Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML
Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML
Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML
Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML
Today, at work, I thought I had to fart, but didn’t trust it. I squeezed cheek and hurried to the bathroom. As I was sitting down, liquid shot out of my butthole and got on the seat. I then sat in it. On top of, that I saw a spider crawl out of my underwear. The spider bothers me more. FML
Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML
Today, I took an incredibly painful dump. After I cleaned myself up, I got up and was about to flush, until I saw something moving around in one of the logs of poop. It looked like an earthworm. It wasn't there when I sat down. FML
Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over myself and the wall. FML
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Top comments
Sarah_moustache 9
Daily offering of turd? Hahaha. Sorry, but that made my day.
aFreedom127 9
They were coming to collect the offering.
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Comments (236)
sean5 0
This is my worst nightmare
Calyx_fml 22
Piss ant.
GlitterBomb 5
I'd jump in the shower quick if there was one! how horrible!
I_heart_sex 1
Can I join you?
llamafish 25
But there wasn't one. There were many. More than five, at least.
XtraEzeee 8
More than 200, actually
XtraEzeee 8
More than 200, actually
kimmi41509 10
I think you need to clean your bathroom and buy some ant traps..or squirt the entire area with Windex. That'll kill those bitches. Works for me every time.
DocBastard 40
You should've redirected your offering onto the ants. Then once they've congregated around it, you stomp them all into oblivion. Of course, that may cause another problem...
rattusrattus 19
Shit all over your feet? Ant corpses all over your feet? The neighbours complaining about the crazy person next door who ***** on the floor then stomps on it, yelling "WE ART THY DOOM, FEEBLE ANT CREATURES!!!!!"?
deadman93 8
doc, is that a blade in somebodys skull?
DocBastard 40
Nope, it's a bullet in someone's skull.
alicealice_fml 3
Just having a few ants on my skin makes me want to pass out. But having a hundred? Shit I think i'd die.
twifan1901 0
Didn't see that coming! I thought it was going to end with the phone being dropped in the toilet
ohboyfml22 0
Wait so did you finish the game?
BostonBruinsFan 8
Obliviously, no
ohboyfml22 0
It was sarcasm -.-
Enslaved 38
Ugh! I hate ants! They're so hard to get rid of. I think the only way, is to kill the queen and then the colony dies.
illabye 0
I feel like you took 10 mins to come up with the first sentence. Lmao XD "daily offer of turd"