Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML
Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML
Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML
Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML
Today, at work, I thought I had to fart, but didn’t trust it. I squeezed cheek and hurried to the bathroom. As I was sitting down, liquid shot out of my butthole and got on the seat. I then sat in it. On top of, that I saw a spider crawl out of my underwear. The spider bothers me more. FML
Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML
Today, I took an incredibly painful dump. After I cleaned myself up, I got up and was about to flush, until I saw something moving around in one of the logs of poop. It looked like an earthworm. It wasn't there when I sat down. FML
Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over myself and the wall. FML
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Top comments
Sarah_moustache 9
Daily offering of turd? Hahaha. Sorry, but that made my day.
aFreedom127 9
They were coming to collect the offering.
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Comments (236)
xZoeAmethystx 12
You have a lovely way with words.
BrysGirl27 14
Exactly what I was thinking lol
nofearjenshere 12
They are just the ant pack coming to get your offering. They come in peace.
AkshaySauce 5
Although if they crawl inside your asshole, they may be agitated.
emeraldisle 30
Seems your offering wasn't enough when the ants showed up.
LVblondie 3
*gasp* that's horrible!!!! Especially when you were being so faithful to the feces gods!!!!
LVblondie 3
...I wasn't being sarcastic...I meant what I said, that's really horrible...I would have flipped out...
xLalala 4
*Facepalm*
MrsPegg 45
Gotta give her thumbs up for the tattoo though: Peace, love & music- Bob Marley
KiwiKitten 2
That's kinda hilarious in a twisted sense
LVblondie 3
17..very twisted...
jbloogle 10
If you were the victim then it would not be hilarious but it may be funny to watch though.
LVblondie 3
I agree with you 50!! I would die if it was me!
youjustmademelol 4
That sucks. Maybe the ants were sent by the toilet gods to collect your offering.
ea247 20
Reminds me of the time when I was dumping n a spider was crawling up my butt
4gethishit 4
what the ****...
FmaFangirl 9
Did ya get it out?
BostonBruinsFan 8
The spider f*cked Him/Her
The_Hitdude 12
He didn't say it crawled into his butt (or butthole), he said it crawled UP his butt. Read carefully next time.
kooochris1995 14
62 no It crawled in his/her butt and now is crawling inside his/her body
BostonBruinsFan 8
80-I don't care, and get sarcasim meter checked, ASAP!
The_Hitdude 12
That statement had no sarcasm in it whatsoever. Get your idiot meter checked ASAP.
The_Hitdude 12
And I wasn't even taking to you. I was taking to #62.
pickles2b2 4
You wording for this was phenominiall.
110_percent 5
As was your spelling of "phenominiall".
iamyummylicious 14
His spelling was indeed phenomenal.
L1v3_L0v3_Lau9h 18
Yes! Indeed it was phenomiNIALL! It was amaZAYN and perfectLOUIS worded! ... Sorry, I'm a one direction fan, I couldn't help myself. Let the waves of thumbs down begin.
SignUpisntcool 3
Ants always freak me out ever since I was three and I got covered by ants....
The_Hitdude 12
Well now he knows who he's giving his of fering to....