Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML
Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML
Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML
Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML
Today, at work, I thought I had to fart, but didn’t trust it. I squeezed cheek and hurried to the bathroom. As I was sitting down, liquid shot out of my butthole and got on the seat. I then sat in it. On top of, that I saw a spider crawl out of my underwear. The spider bothers me more. FML
Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML
Today, I took an incredibly painful dump. After I cleaned myself up, I got up and was about to flush, until I saw something moving around in one of the logs of poop. It looked like an earthworm. It wasn't there when I sat down. FML
Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over myself and the wall. FML
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Top comments
Sarah_moustache 9
Daily offering of turd? Hahaha. Sorry, but that made my day.
aFreedom127 9
They were coming to collect the offering.
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Comments (236)
lexa1love 16
That is so terrible! I could not even imagine. :(
sydie5 12
Really? Cause I can, and it's pretty damn hilarious.
sorry4partyrockn 0
*queue dramatic music* And thats when you've got to fight to the finish!
LiveLaughFML 10
If you lived to tell the story, good for you! I probably would have had a panic attack right then and there.
YtotsDI 0
I love how this was written XD
piccolocl 0
46- it's not "******** yourself" if your on the toilet with the full intention to let out
BostonBruinsFan 8
It reminds me if the black and white movie with the giant ants invading…Anyone know what I'm talking about?
scottieclark 4
Ew!! That gross.
RrLSf19 0
OP's exquisite vocabulary is the reason I got out of bed today.
NuTrees 9
Lol I'm on the toilet now and I could not resist checking to see if there were any bugs below.
MyPetNinja 14
70- Empire of the Ants. My old stepdad made me watch that movie when I was seven, I'm still confused at what the point of the movie was.
flatfatmat 3
I know this is stupid, but what does YDI and OP stand for
gr82bhere 9
You Deserve It and Original Poster
copy125 0
I would of literally shit myself lol
BostonBruinsFan 8
103-But doesn't it remind you of it??
acccccccc 1
You Dumb Idiot, and Odd People
chocolemonade 6
Ants on a log?
nava1210 12
53 - there is a lot of people thumbing you down but you do make a valid point..
calebhampton 1
Oh I already knew what ydi meant but I always thought op was other person i know stupid but I wouldn't know what else it'd be
Vegeto30294 19
113 - Young Dicks Invading and Orgasming Penises
deadman93 8
i probably wouldve been pissing and got it everywhere getting them off of me
deadman93 8
as a heads up if you got Qs about something.here youre better off going to google youll get trolled with random words and "go to google"s
Ghouly_fml 7
113- don't listen to the stupid commenters friend it stands for Yuma death institute and orbital penis ^_^
livefreelylee 0
haha omg me too
Showtime00 0
This made me flinch. haha >:3
jesscarrr 10
That's the fanciest term for 'taking a shit' I've heard yet!
Rei_Ayanami 18
70 - The movie is "Them" it's a real classic.
Jonkbaby 23
take a dump on the ants
AnonymousTroll 2
Kill it with fire!
Sarah_moustache 9
Daily offering of turd? Hahaha. Sorry, but that made my day.
grahambertus 11
He also gives an offering of liquid gold as soon as he wakes up.
astarwarsfan 0
I am now going to use these phrases in my conversations.
zachherbert 10
Your offering didn't please the porcelain throne.
iceman420son 7
You pic made my day
TheSmoothDude 10
^ creep
Unlucky_Gun 0
Well good, that's the point of wording it that way
FmyLifeInsurance 1
Apology accepted?
beanterboss1 0
1. Make me laugh 2. U have the best birthday ever
12vballchick12 5
I love the wording to this FML! "My daily offer of turd on the porcelain throne..."
bearnblue 0
The ants emerged.. Very visual you should be a writter!
SmoshFan6 0
Anyone else feel a tingle on their leg while reading this FML?
unitedfan11 0
I wish my toilet looked like a porcelain throne : (
m16agent 3
Clearly the porcelain gods were not happy with his offering
CookieGirl4ever 13
It's just so poetic... :)
aFreedom127 9
They were coming to collect the offering.
DrMime 10
Pfft, turd? The gods demand blood!!!
eternalkaos 7
Ewwww
kooochris1995 14
^ your.....pic.....has.....me..... Speechless!!!!!
Michaelsgirl04 9
Really? Because her pic has me running to hide my $1 bills
deadman93 8
wait blood from anywhere? or the poopshoot?
GVirdi 11
I thought the grasshoppers collect the offering? (bugs life reference)
Incredibly_Dope 0
Give it to the high and might king ant
sydie5 12
They were just coming to make their offering as well, no need to be frightened!
Goatinsfriend 8
I would freak out as well.
SaMmIMonster96 6
That makes two of us :[
ydi_4_suking 20
I guess 3 of you cuz OP freaked out to
perdix 31
Eat more fiber. The god was not pleased with your offering.
alexup24 13
Af least OP didn't drop their phone in
coried91 28
85- I thought that's what the FML was going to about when I first started reading it..
toxicpinkcandy 10
Lmao (:
Ghouly_fml 7
*Epic Announcer Voice* Just when you thought it was safe to sit on the "Porcelain Throne" Duh Duh Duh!
bigredmonkeybutt 30
If the log rolls over we'll all be dead.
GracesDelirium 9
That song was the first thing I thought of. HAHAHA.
Chixken 6
I would have freaked out too If that happened to me.
Morgannnnuhhh 1
That sounds like a horror movie....terrifying.
jbloogle 10
At least ants are mostly harmless, it could of been worse. O.O
Morgannnnuhhh 1
Haha, yeah. Coulda been snakes, or spiders.
kenttpt 0
Unless they are fire ants
ohboyfml22 0
Or cockroaches ..
deadman93 8
or velvet ants or least thats what we called em in oaklahoma. ******* stings were apparently so terrible youd be on your knees instantly