Today, while I was going down on my husband, our 3-year-old daughter woke up and started crying from the other room. He practically burst into tears too, whining that she was doing it on purpose to ruin his fun. He was serious. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my 5 year-old daughter and I had the displeasure of walking in on my husband going down on another woman. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that it’s been 2 hours and my daughter won’t stop bawling, or the fact that my husband threw the biggest fit, because I “had to come home too early.” FML
Today, after a long dry spell, my girlfriend started coming on to me in the living room early in the morning. Just as things were getting good, her toddler rushed in. Now she's crying in her room, and he won't stop sobbing and asking, "Why was your wee-wee in Mommy's mouth?" FML
Today, my wife and I were getting intimate in the morning. First time in forever. Things were just starting to get steamy when our 10-month-old daughter woke up. FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop "pretending to be daddy" against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML
Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML
Today, instead of being an adult, my husband was more hysterical than my daughter during a hissy fit. It makes me want to divorce him. FML
Today, in the morning, my wife and I were having hot but silent sex on my futon while our 3 year-old slept in his crib. It was going great until my turn to come when I released a loud, "AARRGHHHHHH". My son promptly got up, took one look at me and his mother's back, then promptly went back to sleep without a word. FML
Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML
Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML
Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
That sucks! Wait, no, it doesn't!
PenguinPower 8
Wow I feel sorry for you, having to deal with two children at once!
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Comments (57)
JustKittyKat 24
It's not like there wasn't a chance that after calming the child back to sleep, you could have continued. He ****** this up for himself.
cb1002630 11
Give them both a pacifier.
stevenJB 25
Well...OP does have two...
JaneChemi_fml 21
actually op never mentioned how many pacifiers she has.
Catkam623 27
He's talking about her boobs... Unless she had breast cancer in which case I'm sorry for your loss.
RidiculousPedant 1
Grammar is *important*. With one of those comma-ed off phrases like "while going down on my husband", if you don't specify a subject there, it defaults to the subject of the enclosing clause. In this case, that would be "our three-year-old daughter", which, I'm pretty sure, isn't what you meant.
lainzilla 14
Yeah I had to read this one twice because it sounded so off the first time around.
Hangryko 32
The commas go inside the quotes. How does it feel to receive unsolicited grammar advice?
asnakelovinbabe 16
Doesn't seem like too big of a deal... Tell him to keep it warm for you and just keep going once you've got her back to sleep!
noelasis94 18
Well you know three year olds getting Einstein like brains from God, unlimited amounts of intelligence, and destruction on dads sex life.
MorganBrown 8
I know this may be horrible but I laughed so hard. Your husband needs to grow up. There's other times you both could be doing sexual things, you ARE married, spending the rest of your lives together. Seriously.
perdix 31
Your daughter is probably interrupting the ******* so that you two will engage in coitus instead, and give her some siblings to rule over. Kids can be so manipulative!
Enslaved 38
Well, If course he's upset. The power of a BJ. For some, a woke child means no more fooling around in the next room.
assistantrachel 2
Glad to know my son's father is not the only one that pulls that shit!
tararochelle 18
Guys just don't get that kids come first!! Well, some guys. Sounds like you need a lock for that time, so at least your kid doesn't see too much!