Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while in the bathroom, I started absent-mindedly drumming on my thighs. I didn't stop to think that people outside would think I was masturbating. FML
Today, my mom laughed about hearing me singing in the shower and told our whole family. I wasn't singing, though. I was masturbating. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML
Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML
Today, I was masturbating in my bedroom, when suddenly, my mom opened the door and walked in with guests. I didn't react quick enough. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML
Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML
Today, I was sitting at my desk in school, and I was really bored. I started playing with the strings on my pants, only to realize 5 minutes later it looked like I was fondling my dick. FML
Today, I was in my room with the door locked and my mom knocked on the door. I said "don't come in, i'm naked!" She said "That's okay!" so she unlocked the door and walked in. I was masturbating. FML
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Top comments
iliketurdles 7
That's the best cover story for mastetbuting I have heard.. I may use it in the future :D
mexipunker 0
Mom: No masterbating at the table young man, now finish your peas. Son: Yes mommy.
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Comments (79)
mexipunker 0
Mom: No masterbating at the table young man, now finish your peas. Son: Yes mommy.
xFaust_fml 12
That's why, in most countries, it's considered very impolite not to keep both of your hands ON the table. If not, you don't know what people do with their hands. I'm always a bit uncomfortablr when I eat with Americans. They look like children when they eat.
oarisimo 4
what a way to generalize, asshole.
luvzit 0
are you serious!!!! your a chicken!! I'm not even American and I take offence to that arsehole alright!!!
ifyouseekamy666 0
eh I usually am a child so I probably do look like one when I eat too..
luvzit 0
child brat is what u are indeed
xFaust_fml 12
Why do you react so strongly? I'm just talking about a cultural difference. It IS, in general, considered very impolite to keep your hand under the table while you eat, but not in the US. Then I just gave my personnal opinion: it makes me feel uncomfortable not knowing where people's hands are. And I said they looked like children because in my country, only children who still eat with a spoon are likely to keep their other hand under the table. When they grow up, they keep their knife in their other hand at all times. Again, cultural difference. If in one country people swam like dogs, would you jump at me for merely saying that they remind me of dogs when they swim? No. Gee, get a grip of yourselves people.
cguinn17 9
Sometimes I wish Americans would conform to Continental style dining, it would make life easier for some of us lol.
yesikahh 0
that's true. I went to europe a couple years ago and people thought it was so weird that I cut my food then put the knife down and switch my fork to my other hand and put one hand in my lap. they keep their fork and knife in their hand at all times. so yea:) it's just a cultural difference being pointed out. not supposed to be an insult.
britishtome 0
you are a ******* ass hole, you obviously have no idea what you are talking about.
alakomonus 0
^^
jdortega 2
Then don't eat with Americans, they're probably uncomfortable eating with you while you tell them how much better you are then them
robc32ca 4
and when the waiter came, I said "ewe look the waiter came!"
Judus_beej 0
ydi for getting excited over the **** tail weines.
bethan1 4
I guess momma looked pretty good today, eh? But somebody really should tell her that just because it's called her "birthday suit" doesn't mean she has too wear it EVERY birthday.
Evan2297 0
Double bass jerking?
Shadow_Phantom 26
The hell is wrong with people these days... FYL.
yummyhound 0
Ydi for doing something at a dinner table that makes you look like you were touching yourself inappropriately. that made you start drumming on your leg? That sounds hella stupid to begin with.
unluckybastard18 0
Fyl your family are ******* nasty pigs.
Iknoweverything 29
I really HATE people who pretend to drum all the time. OP probably had one of those dumb looks on his face like he's getting into it. I'm going to say YDI just because I HATE HATE HATE people who drum on everything and everything! (Did anyone get that I hate it? And I have a valid reason... my dumbass brother never stops, nor does the idiot who sits next to me in lecture.)
yake12 0
spaz..
alakomonus 0
don't hate because your to much of a asshole to have a sense of rhythm.
Stupideric_fml 0
Well, I'll make sure to keep it up to annoy you! see you in lecture!