Whatcha do when they come for you?

Today, my girlfriend called me to pick her up from jail. She'd been arrested for indecent exposure. FML

Assumptions

Today, my mom walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. Later, police turned up because mom thought she was underage. I had to desperately prove to some very angry officers that I met my girlfriend at university, and she’s almost a year older than I am. FML

Today, I woke up to the news that my mom's in jail. FML

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

Today, my mom got arrested for statutory rape. She apparently had sex with my best friend during a cookout, which was to celebrate my dad's cancer going into remission. FML

Bad boys bad boys

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

What?!

Today, my mom called to chew me out for having my sister arrested. My sister broke into my apartment, rearranged my living room, and claimed she now lived with me. She then threatened me with a butcher's knife for not appreciating what she had done. My mom wants me to pay the bail. FML

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML