Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I surprised my wife with some new lingerie for our upcoming anniversary, thinking she would like it. Instead of a thank you, I got an ungrateful attitude from her instead. FML
Today, my girlfriend texted me, telling me to come home quickly, because she had a "surprise" waiting for me. I convinced my boss to let me go home, and rushed out. Turns out the "surprise" was just that she'd bought herself a pet bunny. FML
Today, it was my girlfriend's birthday. To surprise her, I told her that I was going away on business, and could not be there on her birthday. When I show up at her house to surprise her with a present and cake, she opens the door in her underwear, beside a man in his boxers. She was surprised. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML
Today, I got off work early to go home and surprise my girlfriend with lunch, only to come home to her in the middle of packing up all of her stuff. FML
Today, I surprised my boyfriend with lunch at work. He surprised me too, when I caught him making out with one of his coworkers. FML
Today, I came home after doing some Black Friday shopping for Christmas presents. I told my husband I got the must-have toy our daughter has been dying for. As soon as I said it, I heard squealing and turned around to see her standing right behind me. There goes the surprise. FML
Today, I bought my wife chocolates and a rose. When she got home, I told her I had a surprise but then I couldn’t find the chocolates or the rose anywhere in this frigging house, they were just gone. I had to pretend the surprise was going out for dinner but still, where the fuck did the rose go? FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was coming over for a surprise visit. I quickly tidied up, but not before shoving all my dirty laundry under the bed. When she arrived, she brought her dog in. Her dog immediately sniffed out the laundry and dragged my most embarrassing underwear into the living room while her parents watched. FML
Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
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Top comments
am_bugg 20
Hmmm sex or a new puppy is equally as satisfying in my opinion.
ladoom 23
Who complains about getting a puppy?
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Comments (101)
am_bugg 20
Hmmm sex or a new puppy is equally as satisfying in my opinion.
tygerarmy 35
Say "Thanks for the puppy, let's celebrate by doing it doggie style!"
drayloon 50
But hey, it was actually a surprise, wasn't it?
Soviet_American 29
@12, they will probably be up all night to 'Bark at The Moon' (Ozzy Osborne)
may14th 26
not when you're allergic as I am!!
chlorinegreen 27
I don't know. I just got a puppy in the last year and if I came home to a puppy I would be kind like... What the hell did you just do?? Lol I don't think I could do the puppy thing so soon. Though I love my Oakley! Let's just do it instead of get a puppy.
bardo264 17
Allergic to puppies or to sex?
wanted_2_want 40
"Happy wife, happy life"! Maybe she's willing to put up more often from now on?
Horsempeg 25
I would rather find the puppy, it makes you happy everyday amd not just happy for a couple hours :)
tygerarmy 35
@92, since both sex with someone you are married too, and getting a puppy are free* I'd rather surprise sex. If I got a puppy, I want some say into picking it. *Some terms and conditions apply. Consent should be used for both. Pets should be acquired at local shelter.
Just_A_Tree 20
I would love it if I had a say in the type of dog, and where it came from. Little ankle biting yip dogs are irritating, I like bigger dogs and medium ones are okay too. And I'd like it to come from the shelter, and be a mix breed. Pure breed often times have health issues. And, I'd like it to be older, or get two dogs (one puppy and one older). Older dogs are often times less desirable by families. I'd want to give that dog affection and a permanent home that it should have. Those are my lenient personal preferences.
schwaka 17
Sex is never free bro.
fxxth 16
Look on the bright side, puppies are adorable! Maybe you could "thank" her by giving her something too. A dinner date to set the mood?
botanistjessica 24
Honestly this guy has a twisted outlook on life if he thinks sex is better than puppies.
drmisin 5
what? sex is definitely better. Puppies you have to feed, take out, and spend lots of money on......wait....damn.
sweetbliss3 37
I'd rather get the sex than a puppy, just my opinion.
brand125 17
69 - thats the joke
schwaka 17
Puppies ftw! How can someone be disappointed by a puppy?
sweetlysarcastic 3
But it's a new puppy! Who doesn't love a puppy????
MrConcise 35
Some people just like pussy more. We can't all be dog people.
Meowdisen 15
I know right?! I'd be ******* stoked if I came home to a puppy.
_taco_cat_ 20
#13 that is a terrible try at a pun
MrConcise 35
@17 - Maybe try commenting with some substance before you critique; go ahead, I'll wait for your amazing word play to floor me.
chlorinegreen 27
Hey I thought it was good. I giggled a little...
littlekellilee 45
I'm scared of dogs, so I wouldn't be happy getting a new puppy. Maybe a kitten, but getting a pet is still a big decision and requires discussion.
ladoom 23
Who complains about getting a puppy?
epilepticloh 20
People allergic to puppies...
thesmeagol 22
Depends on the puppy. I would hate coming home to a little ankle biter who doesn't get bigger then a cat. But that's just personal preference.
Door_Productions 19
The one who had to take care of it.
Demon_of_Light 27
@4: Agreed. I would normally say OP deserves it for not appreciating his wife's thoughtfulness, but with that attitude he doesn't deserve the small fluffy ball of unconditional love that is a puppy.
anon385 23
The horndog who wrote this
Psycho_Babydoll 26
Learn to associate 'surprise' with something other than sex, I would be thrilled if I was surprised with a puppy.
schwaka 17
Ikr? Surprise just means something you don't expect.
thisguy22 33
@106 Paints a pretty miserable picture for future marriage prospects doesn't it?
dwood08 10
I wasn't expecting it hence why I hoped it was sex.
sayyestothedress 24
#129 yeah we understand but just because a woman says there's a surprise waiting for you, doesn't mean it's automatically sex!
hannah_cheers 30
At least you got a puppy. I wish I could come home and be surprised with a new puppy.
rabidpeach 5
cuz 2 dogs is never enough?
sayyestothedress 24
I've always wanted a dog, but my sister is scared so we are not allowed! I wish that I could've surprised like that! Why the **** is this even and FML? It should an LML (love my life)
kenjenkei 32
A new puppy is almost exactly as fantastic as sex, although hopefully not for the same reasons.
Sansa_fml 38
You're a cat person? Puppy's are really cute but it is something you should discuss before getting one.
lammm_fml 18
Dude puppies are adorable take it and be happy.. You can have sex any time later your wife isn't going anywhere
notgointoeurope 11
I'd be so excited for a new puppy! Mans best friend