Today, my wife's paranoia reached a new level. She spent a half hour fretting over the idea that one of the cleaning ladies at our hotel might have taken a used condom from our room and tried to get pregnant with it. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found a used condom in my bed. I haven't had sex in months and now I'm terrified. FML
Today, I went to retrieve my sneakers that my wife made me leave outside the door of our hotel room. Somebody had shat in one of them. FML
Today, my pregnant wife has been crying for hours after she found out that I’d slept with the woman who does her ultrasounds. That woman happened to have been my prom date nearly 20 years ago and I had no idea she moved back in town, let alone worked for our doctor. FML
Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML
Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML
Today, I was looking over reservations for an upcoming work trip, and saw that my work would cover the "romance package" at a nice hotel. I laughed. My coworkers laughed. When I told my wife, not only did she not laugh, she burst into tears and screamed, "I knew you were cheating!" FML
Today, my wife hit a new level of clingy when she picked the lock on the bathroom door so she could sit with me while I shat. FML
Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML
Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML
Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML
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Top comments
allykaymorris 24
At least she's not paranoid that you're sleeping with the maid.
iluvyahh 16
Well, it's possible.
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Comments (43)
manofmerr 27
You should explain to her that the maid was actually a figment of her imagination, and that she's actually on a island, in a asylum. And that Leonardo Dicaprio is there. She's crazy, so she'll believe it.
Kitouran 30
Yeah, totally gaslight her. Because there's no way THAT'S not a dick move.
manofmerr 27
Thank you for understanding. for some reasone everyone else thumbed me down. i cant imagine why.
tigerisabelle 31
She needs help. And I know it's hard to get her to see a therapist, but maybe YOU should go and talk to someone and see what they suggest, because the paranoia is something I have experienced. And it was absolutely horrible
leafynitemare 24
I've experienced something similar too. It's definitely not fun and at the time, whatever silly thing you believe completely makes sense to you. And its upsetting because its incredibly frustrating trying to plead your case and could easily become a panic or anxiety attack. Later on, when you are not paranoid, you'll look back and probably also think that what you were upset about was silly.
NYGiants1925 22
...wtf?
crazy_bananas 31
I think it's time you staged an intervention for her to convince her to seek help. Or might have to just force her to see someone.
CoupeDeAce 6
She thinks you're that cool? Who is you Kobe?
anorak_fml 6
Are*
GhostFox 34
Time to look into way to force her into recieving healthcare, before she does something drastic because of one of her delusions. Like murdering a hotel maid because she thinks the maid is pregnant with a stolen-semen baby.
AdamTodddBrown 11
Lol you're married and still using condoms? Also, girl needs some professional help for that level of paranoia. Furthermore, so what if the maid did? You wouldn't have anything to do with it.
tarlax 11
Being married doesn't make you infertile, dumbass. And it doesn't mean you want kids at any moment.
sturschaedel 27
Furthermore, sometimes hormonal BC is out of the question, and longer term options (IUD etc) don't apply because they want a pregnancy soon, just not NOW.
juggalo2 22
My wife magically turned off her reproductive system as soon as we were married.
IorvethTheXolo 8
Yeah, another married woman here to say that we still use condoms. I'm not about to just start popping out babies because I'm married. Neither of us want a baby although we have considered adopting some older kids (4-6 years old) later on down the line. Why would we just stop using such an easy, simple form of birth control that just helps lower the risk of ending up with something we don't want. I am going to guess that you're not married and are going to be in for a big wake up call when you do get married.
heyLaddieHey 18
Yeah, some people can't use birth control. Or maybe they decided they want kids soon; it isn't healthy to hop off birth control and get immediately pregnant. A host of ******* reasons that aren't your business moron
ThunderLightTSV 31
It's a possibility, I guess. But I think someone would have to be a...really kinda gross person to take someone else's condom and try to...do that...
sousaphonist 14
...tried to get pregnant WITH a condom?
sweetpotato301 7
With the semen inside it.
EliGolsdworthy 7
I thought I was paranoid omfg