Today, my wife's paranoia reached a new level. She spent a half hour fretting over the idea that one of the cleaning ladies at our hotel might have taken a used condom from our room and tried to get pregnant with it. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found a used condom in my bed. I haven't had sex in months and now I'm terrified. FML
Today, I went to retrieve my sneakers that my wife made me leave outside the door of our hotel room. Somebody had shat in one of them. FML
Today, my pregnant wife has been crying for hours after she found out that I’d slept with the woman who does her ultrasounds. That woman happened to have been my prom date nearly 20 years ago and I had no idea she moved back in town, let alone worked for our doctor. FML
Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML
Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML
Today, I was looking over reservations for an upcoming work trip, and saw that my work would cover the "romance package" at a nice hotel. I laughed. My coworkers laughed. When I told my wife, not only did she not laugh, she burst into tears and screamed, "I knew you were cheating!" FML
Today, my wife hit a new level of clingy when she picked the lock on the bathroom door so she could sit with me while I shat. FML
Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML
Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML
Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML
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Top comments
allykaymorris 24
At least she's not paranoid that you're sleeping with the maid.
iluvyahh 16
Well, it's possible.
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Comments (43)
Benderama 8
Condoms have spermicide on them to kill the sperm
game0ver_fml 18
um...no. You are sadly mistaken. Not all condoms have spermicide. Only the ones specifically labeled "with spermicide" have it. Most just have basic lubricant.
TCKM416 15
It's a good thing not all condoms have spermicide in them. I'm pretty sure that's what caused my yeast infection
vikky538 29
Well! Someone had sex last night!!
captainsmegma 12
Or, just maybe she wanted to slurp out the contents on her break.
TCKM416 15
That's kind of gross, who would want to do that?
k122366 13
tell her to swallow then.... solves her worries and still satisfies you...
dmargolis 7
That's why you flush ?
kakarot26 7
lol
mrsmikelowrey 15
Therapy... Your wife needs therapy... That level of paranoia can turn into agoraphobia.
vanaathiel 13
Read OPs name O_O
L3G3ND4RYB4D4SS 6
Wait what... Ok well thats interesting
Patounette_fml 1
The sperm is still viable. Bank sperm or Bin Sperm that is the question. At least she will know the name of the donor and soon will engage a paternity test if you are rich and famous. That is so freaky but yes possible.