Today, my wife's paranoia reached a new level. She spent a half hour fretting over the idea that one of the cleaning ladies at our hotel might have taken a used condom from our room and tried to get pregnant with it. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found a used condom in my bed. I haven't had sex in months and now I'm terrified. FML
Today, I went to retrieve my sneakers that my wife made me leave outside the door of our hotel room. Somebody had shat in one of them. FML
Today, my pregnant wife has been crying for hours after she found out that I’d slept with the woman who does her ultrasounds. That woman happened to have been my prom date nearly 20 years ago and I had no idea she moved back in town, let alone worked for our doctor. FML
Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML
Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML
Today, I was looking over reservations for an upcoming work trip, and saw that my work would cover the "romance package" at a nice hotel. I laughed. My coworkers laughed. When I told my wife, not only did she not laugh, she burst into tears and screamed, "I knew you were cheating!" FML
Today, my wife hit a new level of clingy when she picked the lock on the bathroom door so she could sit with me while I shat. FML
Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML
Today, after nearly a month, I found out my wife isn't pregnant after all. She was just screwing around to win a bet with her friends on how long it'd take me to figure out the truth. FML
Today, I discovered that my cleaning lady steals valuables from me, and covered it up by saying that "the vacuum must've eaten it." FML
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Top comments
allykaymorris 24
At least she's not paranoid that you're sleeping with the maid.
iluvyahh 16
Well, it's possible.
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Comments (43)
iluvyahh 16
Well, it's possible.
smallandroid 26
Doesn't sperm die fairly quickly if it doesn't meet with an egg almost immediately? Unless it's stored properly, like in a sperm bank.
HeartYou101 31
It dies after approx. 30 minutes (if it is not stored correctly, that is)
arano 29
Actually it's approximately 30 seconds. Not 30 minutes.
SubparAtBest 23
#30 I mean at a sperm bank it doesn't get from the guy to proper storage within 30 seconds so that doesn't sound quite right...
arano 29
That's what I remember my health teacher saying O.O Can't say she wasn't a crazy bitch though lmao.
olleekenberg 20
#37 Dont comment on things you dont fully know. I have done it too many times myself and it never worked out good for me :p
UserError94 18
I'm pretty sure sperm do die almost immediately when in contact with air. However, since the sperm are being protected by seminal fluid they should be able to survive for up to 30 min without egg contact.
chidexy 21
I laughed I really did
krazy789 28
congrats
mds9986 24
I don't believe you.
allykaymorris 24
At least she's not paranoid that you're sleeping with the maid.
MisterEx 28
Yet.
classicate 29
kinky
DonULFonso 22
Seriously? Cum on!
ccameron12 21
It could happen... I guess
Bansheefaerie 9
Oh dear. I feel for you. My spouse is very paranoid too.
primadonna9396 16
Same. He checks friend's bathrooms for cameras before I use them. No, he has never found any.
ragnarok1540 39
That's when you suggest she uses oral birth control pills instead ... unless the pills are part of some insidious government plan to render women infertile and replace them with robots! Never mind, I think you are safer with condoms. Just leave a security camera in the room and you're good to go.
TabooSushi 24
The pill isn't a replacement for condoms. You should really use both.
InfiniteSunshine 32
You need to do more research on birth control. The pill is 99.9% effective if taken properly and if it works for the individual's body. Granted there is of course going to be some cases where it falls short, as with any medication, it is overall pretty consistent and works well. It is a primary contraceptive for preventing pregnancy, therefore it IS meant to replace other kinds of birth control, including condoms. In fact, the pill works better than condoms, which are only 85% effective. That being said, it is still fine to use both, and the pill also DOES NOT have STD protection properties, so on this issue, it is definitely not a replacement for condoms.
TWayne95 13
Condoms are for bananas
nzhx 23
Condoms are 98% effective when used correctly and consistently, I don't know where you got the number 85. And I don't know why #16 is being downvoted, they're 100% correct. You can use various forms of birth control and STILL get pregnant (the chances are minimal but they're there and it happens). You really should use both. Plus, condoms protect from STDs, an extremely important function birth control does not provide.
mfmylifesrsly 30
#53 If you are in a commited relationship with someone and neither of yall have STDs, it's perfectly fine to just use the pill. Also condoms don't protect all STDs like HSV and HPV.
InfiniteSunshine 32
The 98% statistic for condoms is not right and misleading. Condoms were ONLY 98% effective in scientific tests, which are strictly controlled. In those tests, because they're professionals, they ensured that the condoms were used correctly every time. They made sure the condoms were, the right size, were put on correctly (because you can put them on backwards), had immense lubrication, and ensured that the guy pulled out before ejaculation (because technically that is what you're supposed to do). It was only under these strict conditions that they were at 98% effectiveness, but average people do not do all these things, so condoms are therefore closer to 85% effective for the majority.
GreenArrow085 6
So if the guy pulled out 100% of the time as you state then how did it fail 2% of the time? How the hell were these women getting pregnant when a condom was being used AND the guy pulled out?
manofmerr 27
@greenarrow(awesome cat face, by the way), the only plausible answer (assuming the above statements are true, which i dont assume) is that the condom ripped, and some ejaculate got through as the guy pulled out. Which is the reason men shouldn't use that technique in liu of condoms. I confess to this being the first time i have ever heard that your suppose to pull out when you use a condom, but i suppose it is *possible.* Without doing actual research, i cant say. It should also be noted that people (yes this is a all inclusive statement) are stupid. You should never doubt the power of that stupidity, expecially when your in what some might call a high stress situation. So regardless of the testing, assuming the above stated percentage of 98% is accurate, and than factoring in stupidity, and whatever the natural fail rate is (dont assume its the whole 2%) i can believe a 85% succes rate out of the lab.
Dodge4x4Ram 46
the audacity on this guy is incredible
aspecialspecial 21
What're you on about?
sturschaedel 27
The paranoid ones always refuse to see a therapist, because they are paranoid that they might uncover all their deepest secrets.