Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I emailed my potential boss a copy of my résumé. However, I didn't realize until too late that it was my fake resume, created for an English class project. Some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster, as well as the former president of Canada. FML
Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML
Today, my sister and I heard back from a job we both applied to. I had used the knowledge from my MBA degree to write a six-page essay for the application, while she just copied and pasted hers from a random website. Guess who got the job. FML
Today, I had a job interview. I was feeling upbeat and confident I was gonna get the position, until I saw that my main qualification on my resume was being a "real n**ga" and "getting bitches and hoes 24/7." My brother had changed it as a prank. FML
Today, I was so envious of my thin, pretty, genetically perfect sister getting a date that I lied to my mom, saying she was a prostitute. I made a fake escort page and used her pics. My mom lost her shit and kicked my sister out, but now the guilt is eating me up. FML
Today, I sent out my resume to about a dozen jobs on Craigslist. I realized that I hadn't updated it in a while and went to double check it after the fact. My ex at some point had changed my objective to "I'm a cocksucker who needs a job real bad." FML
Today, I explained to my sister that the reason she isn't getting job offers is probably because her résumé is in Comic Sans and contains TXT language and a lot of typos. She thanked me for my help by calling me a "clueless horse-fucker" and telling me to shut my mouth. FML
Today, I handed out 30 resumes only to find out, after the last resume was handed out, my brother had changed the last sentence of every paragraph to 'I am a massive douche bag.' FML
Today, my job interview got canceled. I later found out it's because my sister got the brilliant idea to go talk to the manager to "advocate" for me, and they thought I put her up to it. FML
Today, my sister admitted to selling pages of my diary to my old boyfriends. FML
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Top comments
christina3466 17
Maybe Justin Bieber will hire you.
annarcheer 19
Oh my gosh that is so rude.
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Comments (136)
annarcheer 19
Oh my gosh that is so rude.
OysterPearls 33
That is beyond rude. That is straight up evil.
JoshTheTacoMan 19
The word rude doesn't do this situation justice.
AnOriginalName 19
Well yeah it's rude, but OP should have checked his resume before sending it off to employers. Y'know, making sure it was current and relevant to the business, or even highlighting different skills and experience for different positions.
capthigh 16
"How rude!" ~ Michelle Tanner (full house)
negb 30
51 - OP might have checked if it was current and then starting sending it off. After OP was sure it was current, the sister might have changed it and OP didn't think of checking it everytime they applied.
JMichael 26
What did you do to piss her off OP?
alex_iam 4
It's not Michelle, it's Stephanie...
celinadepp 21
You got it, dude?
Sassie8810 9
That was Stephanie Tanner.
dragonkisses28 25
#51 I don't expect people to screw with my résumé. I scan over it to be sure its current, but I don't read the whole thing because the list of skills I have doesn't really change from place to place. I wouldn't say OP deserves it for not reading it before he sent it out. Its more of a FYL because you have the sister from hell.
christina3466 17
Maybe Justin Bieber will hire you.
7Maverick 10
Genius.
Fuaaad1994 31
Might do when she actually starts growing hair down there.
mrwilsong 6
Stop hating on justin bieber she has feelings too
stargirl_95 24
Can you guys please stop insulting Justin Bieber by calling him a girl. That joke stopped being funny years ago and it's kinda insulting to both girls and trans people.
badluckalex 23
justin bieber is an insult to humanity
AHzulu 25
#53 Troll?
cjack188 13
Normally I would agree with you #53, but Justin Bieber has done more than enough to warrant the hate against him. He is a twat and abuses the privilege of being famous. Plus his music isn't that great.
mashfan6507 17
As is his music
ohSNAPyall 27
53 is not a troll. The Bieber-is-a-little-girl thing is misogynistic and not clever. Kinda creepy.
pam241 15
best comment so far #54
Cristian89 29
You mean re-hire!
Gabnacious 7
Insulting Justin by calling him a female is actually insulting to all females. Like 1. We don't want to be associated with him and 2. To insult anyone by saying they're a girl basically makes being female a bad thing, which is severely misogynistic.
pete27o 3
A female wouldn't want to be considered masculine so that argument can work both ways.
dragonkisses28 25
Thumbs up #80. Bonus points for correctly using the word twat in a sentence about Bieber.
kendallfireHD 16
What did you say to that.
mrwilsong 6
She was thrilled and thanked her very sincerely.
illegalbeagle69 23
He*
AllKnowingTurtle 9
At least creativity runs in the family?
Morning_fml 22
#4, destroying opportunities for someone else is being creative?
nix1993 41
I would imagine his sister changed it after he had made sure it was up to date. I only update mine every few months and I don't always check it every time I send it out because I know it's been done fairly recently. He also probably didn't think his sister, or anyone for that matter, would enough of an immature little twat to actually mess with something like that. It's not particularly funny and it's definitely not clever, its middle school humour at a stretch.
amberr_harperr 15
I'd destroy her.. just in complete general
Absoluezer0 12
Well. You could get a job as a pornstar, FBI agent, or personal groomer according to your resume. Always a bright side.
ChristianH39 30
Pretty sure FBI agents aren't the ones that commit corporate espionage, but I like the attitude
anticulas 12
Corporate Espionage is committed by people working for a company that wants another company's secrets, lol. Besides, the Secret Service investigates corporations, not the FBI.
buckstop1 37
Wow, that really sucks. I hope it can be fixed soon
CurvyisCool 22
Well, her resume seems to need some tweaking as well...
tbon3r 15
wow.. that sucks. no worries though my resume has none of that and I'm unemployed atm too..
OhWhoCares 42
Did you double check? You never know who may have gotten a hold of your recent resume... I always read mine over, sorry OP but YDI.
kipperin 18
Tell her that you feel guilty as well, for pouncing her.