Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend snores like a lumberjack. Even when I leave to sleep on the couch, I can still hear her through the door. She won’t go to the doctor because, "snoring runs in her family and they’re all just fine." Yeah, uh huh. FML
Today, my new (and possibly ex) husband told me he is reconsidering staying married to me. He thinks my snoring is “so unlady like” and he can’t live the rest of his life sleeping with a “fucking Snorlax.” I’ve had sleep apnea since my mid 20s. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife, once again. It seems that whenever I stop snoring, she thinks I died so she has to wake me to make sure I'm still living. She does this almost every night, every hour. FML
Today, I have to sleep in another room, with the door closed, because if I don't, my girlfriend's snoring will keep me awake. I was diagnosed with chronic insomnia because of this. FML
Today, in the middle of the night, my girlfriend whispered "Are you asleep?" I chose not to respond, to see what she'd do. She then let rip a loud, stinking fart, giggled, and went back to sleep. FML
Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML
Today, I was asleep and snored so loud that I woke myself up. I was at work and I am now the laughing stock of the office. FML
Today, I woke up at 3 a.m. because my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. I went off to the guest room to try to get back to sleep. Eventually I fell back asleep. Then I had a dream that my wife was snoring loudly enough to wake me up. It woke me up. FML
Today, my wife made me sleep on the couch because I ate the last Magnum Ice Cream bar. Last week, she bitched me out for singing too loud in the shower. I strongly regret leaving my ex-girlfriend of 5 years for this woman. FML
Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML
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Top comments
jmcow 0
Sucks man. fyl. You're ex-wife wanted the whole bed to herself. But at least you have a girlfriend now.
allmightyspiff 0
Actually snoring can be caused by stress, so maybe thats the problem? http://www.etipsguide.com/snoring-and-stress.html
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Comments (92)
briedom21 0
That is hilarious! I loved it. Come on people, give the guy a break.
Witchcraft_fml 5
Bahaha. Should have told her that if she doesn't like it, she can move her butt to the couch. :]
polico_wolf 0
who were you? your ex-wifes pet? Who obays their wife and sleeps on the sofa? "GET DOWN YOU BAD BOY" *whimper* *goes to sleep on sofa*
DameGreyWulf 1
Well... now you know why you're divorced eh? Guys, we kind of forget that, y'know, he might have loved his ex-wife, hence the marriage? So finding out she lied to him about something so intimate (meaning, she hated him just being in bed, let alone having relations) kind of salts the wound? That's why it's an FML. Yes, at least he has a new girlfriend, but... well, we can probably relate this to maybe... I dunno... the vet putting your dog down for cancer and you finding out years later that it didn't have cancer at all. Yes you have a new dog now, but that doesn't mean it's not upsetting. But you gotta think positive dude. Stiff upper lip. At least you got the bitch out of your life, eh?
magoojr09 0
It's an FML because it implies that his wife wanted him gone for other reasons . . .such as sex with someone else.
ArthursLifeSucks 2
Good for you. FY ex-wife's L. Bang your new g/f and smile.
fretforyerlatte 0
it is possible that you snored before and don't now. did you quit smoking or anything? when my husband quit smoking, his snoring stopped.
Deadguy71 0
No one ALWAYS snores, and at night while you're sleeping, she's likely sleeping too, and it apparently doest waker her up. The same thing happens at my place and my gf's kids are like.. "Jesus christ you snored last night like an avalache smashing into a train full of chainsaws!" She doesn't beleive them because she sleeps right through it.
DoctorFoxyNo1 0
doc fox says the somat fishy going on there. I think it's cod maybe trout not sure, survey says: fyl!
movies12 0
When u were married to ur ex u should of said to her, "if u don't like my snoring lift up ur fat ass and go sleep on the couch" But whatever u should be happy u've got a girlfriend that doesn't lie.
xenomorph 0
Proper grammar and spelling would be much appreciated.