Today, my kids decided putting laxatives in my coffee would loosen me up and calm my nerves. I have a 3 hour long meeting soon. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML
Today, after not having coffee for ages, I finally remembered why I stopped drinking it. I literally just shit my pants, and I’m about to start a ten-hour day with 27 fifth graders. FML
Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML
Today, I got up early for a doctor's appointment and chugged two cups of coffee. Ten minutes before I was supposed to leave, my doctor calls asking to reschedule, which would have been fine had I not cleared my whole day for this appointment. Now I'm too wired to go back to bed. FML
Today, I had to take a laxative for the first time. Instead of working gently overnight like it promised, I woke up at 3 a.m. to an unrelenting river of shit that made my legs numb on the toilet. FML
Today, after 8 days of being on a medication that makes it hard to go to the bathroom and no luck taking laxatives and drinking coffee and apple juice, I finally got to go. Too bad I was at my desk at work when it happened. I washed out my pants in the bathroom and got to sit in wet pants for 4 hours. FML
Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML
Today, after having stayed up all night studying, all the coffee I'd drank to keep me awake hit my gut with a vengeance. I ended up missing two exams because I was emptying my bowels into the toilet all morning. FML
Today, my step-kids proudly announced that their mum lets them drink coffee at her house. They both have ADD and I've been struggling for months to get them to eat right. Hello futility. FML
Today, I double checked with the barista to make sure my latte had soy milk. After a few sips, I could tell it wasn’t but it was too late. I’m so sensitive to dairy, I spent the rest of my work day trying to stifle the gut busting cramps and noxious fumes. I had a meeting I couldn’t reschedule. FML
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Top comments
saIty 17
Just let it all out during the meeting. They like it when people express themselves.
mrfunbun01 1
Put lax in their food next time you make them dinner.
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Comments (105)
fattso 1
SHIT HAPPENS
sovietkiwi 0
That's shitty
Nicnats 3
put some in cans if pop, and give it to them
knights95 9
Are you referring to soda as "pop"?
NastyNinja31 0
Another shitty meeting
sxe_beast 11
Yes, they're referring to soda as pop. Is there something wrong with that?
WCARlover 35
please write a logical sentence next time
flockz 20
no not in soda put some in his condoms and then he will freak when he doesnt get a boner during sex. then tell him u did it because u felt like he need to "relax"
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
I call it pop... Dunno what's so odd about that (:
Pinkmorgan9 0
Yeah well too bad the kids don't have meetings they have to sit through
dolphincheddar 10
If it's a meeting to sell a new brand of laxatives your good to go!
tybtab 5
well hopefully your shit smells good
atthegates 0
In canada its usually referred to as pop rather than soda
knights95 9
Man, why so many thumbs down? I was just asking.
wolflover44 5
of***
margie2194 12
Next time do your research first before you ask :)
KiddNYC1O 22
Hey, #20, I love Wendy's new chips.
FarSide 23
A three hour meeting with the crapper...
sxe_beast 11
@Knight - look up Colloquialism XD!
HondaKidd 5
... Seriously 57? Who would do a research on such a minuscule thing? We call it soda here. damn try hard...
gmc_blossom 21
Yes, but someone with half a brain would know that there are different names for a carbonated beverage, and it really just depends on where you live.
SomeFMLPerson 0
32 - Hahahaha! I get it! You said shitty situation because laxatives make you shit! That is so hilarious and original! Honestly, you're a pun mastermind... I just can't stop laughing!
DeathBunny218 37
looks like you're up shit creek without a paddle, and soon you're gonna be swimmin in it
howslife123 0
But what OP didn't realize is that most laxatives take 6-12 hours to work so decidedly not screwed
partyfool2011 4
Meetings are shitty regardless.
mrfunbun01 1
Put lax in their food next time you make them dinner.
jtrem26 2
Lax, bro. That's totes chill.
commietaco 0
dear: mrfunbun01 please wear looser shirts. your body is seriously freaking me out.
PRiMARELYiNSANE 0
Hahaa i understand why they thought it would make you calm, reLAXATIVES.
StopDropNRoll 11
That will = more work for the parent later if they decide to blow up in the restroom =
MangoRico1 1
They care enough to try to help
ragnorac 4
yeah, help him shit himself during a meeting
SayPeanuts 29
It's the thought that counts.
saIty 17
Just let it all out during the meeting. They like it when people express themselves.
hatepineapple 14
It won't matter either way. Those things are so full of shit anyways; she'll fit right in.
Jacobt24 19
Loosened you up all right. Your butt that is.
Jacobt24 19
Loosened*
Jacobt24 19
What the heck? Before I corrected it my camment said "Lossened." Just nvm ignare me
Jacobt24 19
Haha IDK I checked it before, honestly. It didn't say that. My iPhone is freaking out on me. *Note to self - stop looking up ****. Messing up phone* (joke)
VickieJoe 3
haha that's hilarious but disgusting at the same time...lol
eminemchick 19
try not to be full of shit at the meeting(;
MsJoyfull 4
OP won't have that problem once the laxitives kick in.
major_paine92 0
Put ecstasy in their cereal.
kinseyburnett 0
LMFAOOOO