Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 5 year-old daughter out to eat. Halfway through our "date" she asks me loudly, "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I took my girlfriend out for lunch, and I asked her if I could have a bite of her meal. She took it to mean I was calling her fat, and stormed out. FML
Today, my girlfriend's mother called me to tell me she didn't appreciate our "public amorous behaviour" at the local food court. I didn't go out all day. FML
Today, I went on a date. After we finished our meal, I had to use the bathroom really bad. When I said so, my date totally lost it and accused me of planning on climbing out a window and ditching her. "Fuck that and fuck you!" she said, then stormed out, leaving me with the bill. FML
Today, I took a girl out to dinner. Halfway through, she sighed and asked if it was all an episode of Disaster Date. FML
Today, I went out on a date with a cute girl. Everything was going great, until the food arrived. She not only shoveled food into her mouth like it was going to run away, she also smacked, sucked her fingers and laughed out loud with her mouth completely full. It was like dining with a 5-year-old. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend of a year out on a date, a nice fancy dinner and a movie. After dinner, I said that I was feeling sick and just wanted to go home. I didn't have the heart to tell her that dinner was so expensive that I didn't have money for the movie. FML
Today, I took a girl I like to the movies. Everything went great until I went in to kiss her. She didn't object, but my mother, who apparently followed me to the theater and was now pulling me away by my shirt while saying, "We're leaving!" certainly did. FML
Today, when my date realised I have a daughter, her actual response was, "Ew." She then got up from our table and went and sat at the bar. By the time I paid my half (and only my half) of the bill, she was already glommed onto another guy at the bar with her hand on his thigh. FML
Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML
Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML
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Top comments
SP63_fml 0
Ouch man. Thank god people were just glaring and laughing.
stfuminjakid 0
Awe. Kids say the funniest things, like my 6 year old niece has words she can't say properly. For instance instead of saying directions she says erections lmao they honestly don't know what their really saying til their older.
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Comments (98)
jessxoxo28 5
LMAO!!!! i love kids!!!
anonymous2323 0
I agree with 26. Most kids don't say "Hey let's go take our clothes off!" in an excited tone if they actually knew what that meant. Usually people take what 5-year-olds say for a grain of salt anyway. No worries.
ohhhhshizzz 0
#7: Im gonna be another one of those people to call you an idiot, it was the MOTHER in bed sick, the MOTHER OF THE LITTLE GIRL, the OP's GIRLFRIEND. Good enough for you??? #27: Do you really think little kids know what the hell they are talking about and how to say things correctly, and when to say things or how to use them??? NO. OP: And now one of those lame bored soccer mom's will write down your liscense plate and report you for child molestation. J/K, lol. I for one, LOVEE little kids.
dr_house_MD 0
"today, something kind of embarrassing happened to me. everyone will forget about it in a day. fml"
xxjohnx5 0
i agree
o0ch 0
wow that's harsh
inerdablanket 4
#7; it's not like she has a deathly disease. She could just have a cough or something.
xxjohnx5 0
i kno how u feel. as a homosexual, one time i got kum in my eye from a male prostitute and i fell asleep and when i woke up it was all crusty and gross and i couldnt see. when i went to the hospital, i realized all my past friends and family had abandoned me for being gay so i had to stay in the hospital with the prostitute...Awkwaaard
xxjohnx5 0
i know how u feel. as a homosexual, one time i got giz in my eye from a male prostitute and i fell asleep and when i woke up it was all crusty and gross and i couldn't see. when i went to the hospital, i realized all my past friends and family had abandoned me for being gay so i had to stay in the hospital with the prostitute
AJComix 0
@54 and 52... wrong FML moron... http://www.fmylife.com/health/1962325