Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML
Today, I went out with a girl I've been dating. I dropped her off and she finally asked me if I wanted to come in. When I did, she asked me to change a light bulb in her kitchen, and then promptly sent me home. FML
Today, my girlfriend came over to my place, looking drop dead gorgeous. However, she preferred the idea of sleeping, and here I am on my laptop. FML
Today, when I came home, my girlfriend was in sexy lingerie, and said it was a surprise for me. Sounds awesome, right? Too bad she was drenched in sweat and the room smelled like sex. I looked in the closet, only to get punched in the face by a naked guy. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was sexually frustrated. Naturally, I started coming on to her, only for her to shove me away and snap that just because she was sexually frustrated, it didn't mean that she wanted sex. Huh? FML
Today, my girl came home and said, "I'm gonna jump in the shower, I'm horny as fuck." Naturally, I assumed that was an invitation, so I lit some candles quickly and hopped on the bed, waiting for her. She got out, looked at me funny and said, "The fuck are you doing? I want to masturbate. Get out." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were sexting, and he asked me if I would be naked and waiting for him when he got home. When he told me he was on his way, I took my clothes off and got into bed. What he didn’t tell me was he was bringing friends to pick up a desk from our place for their office. FML
Today, I went to my girlfriend's house. She had promised me we'd get it on so I couldn't wait. When I got there, I didn't get it on. Instead, I got a list of reasons why I make her depressed. FML
Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML
Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML
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Top comments
AH1Zviper 15
That was pretty shelfish in my opinion.
eaglerob 20
That's your future wife right there; embrace the chaos
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Comments (116)
Drizl 17
I suck.
Blackhawk706 23
How very clever of her.
Way2Fast8 20
She knows which strings to pull
NatsuD_fml 13
i guess she figured you'd rise to the occasion.
foxwasalamb 24
dance puppet dance!
mclovin22897 15
something rose to the occasion, 42.
NatsuD_fml 13
How dare she let him rise to tge occasion and then get all shelfish.
incoherentrmblr 22
You got stiff wood so she made you put up a shelf...
SonyIsGod 13
Like a boss
eaglerob 20
That's your future wife right there; embrace the chaos
tournamentdecide 33
It said no where OP was planning to marry her.
LexiDaBae 17
I think #2 was joking.
eaglerob 20
Ding ding ding
tournamentdecide 33
Sorry for killing your joke. Sometimes I don't really have a sense of humor.
icandothecancan 24
Probobly not the best site for you then...
AH1Zviper 15
That was pretty shelfish in my opinion.
LostInTheZone11 29
*Insert Cryptkeeper laugh here*
rich443 22
looks like op got left hanging
Enslaved 38
Yeah, he nailed something just not his girlfriend.
pwnman 33
Seems like she is using you for her home benefits...
captainclutch96 3
A lot of women can be manipulative like that
foxwasalamb 24
as well as men? lets not be sexist
hokie16 13
From what I've seen men are generally more manipulative when trying to get a woman, whereas women are the manipulative ones in relationships. There are exceptions to everything but I'm a woman and I have to say I have no problem with #5's statement. lol.
thisis16charlong 10
very true
captainclutch96 3
#61, I'm not being sexist. If I were being sexist, I would have said, "all women are manipulative." By saying "a lot of" instead of "all", I'm implying that I am not including all of the female race. Use context clues instead of being quick to assume things.
JasonUMN 15
How selfish of her. That sounds like it could be quite a hang up in your relationship.
myoukei 31
You mean "shelfish"?
marleypuckpuck 22
She's a keeper.
Drfucked 9
I read that shell fish And OP's girlfriend. Clever girl....
tournamentdecide 33
That was a little cruel. She should have at least given you some action before you left.
djinnyf 12
She doesn't owe him anything!!! If he doesn't say anything and just goes there with hope, then he diesn't "deserve" anything!!
sicksadworld1317 30
She's brilliant. Keep her. Right now she's using her brilliance to get a shelf hung up, but she might have some other tricks up her sleeve for the sex later.
laden_swallow09 35
How much you wanna her she won't?
TheLostLegend 2
Did anyone else read it as bang a shelf?
moonbootz 7
nope sure didnt...we're not autistic nor blind.
tournamentdecide 33
I think you mean dyslexic.
schwaka 17
55 is one of those people that have no idea what autism is, but think it's cool to call people autistic. They always end up looking stupid.
moonbootz 7
hes right. my bad.