Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend started making pig noises during sex. FML
Today, my girlfriend suggested we try something new and spontaneous. Excited to find out first-hand what she had in mind, and ready to fool around, I hurried over to her place. Turns out she's just taken up vegan cooking. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate in the bed for the first time. Halfway through the session, she slowly leaned over to my ear, thinking she was going to say something dirty. Instead, she decided to let out a long burp because she thought it was "cute". FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend after sharing a romantic moment. As I was licking, she giggled and said, "You sound like a dog." Romance ruined. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML
Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML
Today, during sex, my girlfriend got so bored that she asked me to tell her a story. FML
Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML
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Top comments
mbusey 20
That's cool! Now you can tell her secretly when you want sex
trippythehippy 6
Tell her you want to RAWR her meow
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Comments (160)
Rory98 4
Hey, you can always use those animal noises during sex. Barking is such a turn on :D
adamo_erebus 26
I have to admit, that'd be pretty interesting.
guttedbrit 26
That is hilariously unfortunate
jimbob123456 13
I don't see how this is a bad thing.
SaltyLurker 10
You should leave her so "poor you" can stay forever alone with your right hand while like all the other pervs while she meets a cool guy named something like Alan or Jim who wears those rubber barefoot slipper things and has been fluent in animal languages for years now. You'll one day run into her at the supermarket with a bottle of lotion and box of tissues in your hand, while she walks on with her slightly greyed but playful husband, her beautiful three sons and baby daughter. Then you're going to post another FML and I'm going to comment YDI for not appreciating someone as awesome as your girlfriend you ******* piece of shit.