Today, I learned why you should never to use Sean Connery's voice when asking your girlfriend to sit on your face. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML
Today, was the day my girlfriend and I tried to 69 for the first time. Today is also the day I learned that I'm physically incapable of maintaining an erection after someone farts in my face. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML
Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around in his car. I then decided I was going to give him a blowjob for the first time. As I was going down, he grabbed my chin and said, "Don't do that, your mouth isn't clean enough." FML
Today, my boyfriend dislocated my jaw by sitting on my face while trying to fart on it. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML
Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML
Today, I realized why I never hear my voice echoing when I sing to my boyfriend on Skype; he just mutes me. FML
Today, my boyfriend insisted that we try phone sex. He started telling me all the things he wanted to do to me while breathing heavily. Unfortunately, it sounded so ridiculous, I burst out laughing. He hung up on me, and has refused to pick up since. FML
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Top comments
008GGG 14
*She shit on his face...
lyttle1568 8
Excuse me what the ****
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Comments (13)
lyttle1568 8
Excuse me what the ****
Mark W. Noonan_969479943 5
That’s exactly what I was thinking 🤔
acmariner99 25
For those of us pleading ignorance, could you please explain what happened?
darkmind1 12
Try hearing what OP said in Sean Connery's voice. S turns into sh when he says it :o
RichardPencil 32
Why? Is it because she thinks Roger Moore is the "real" James Bond? Or maybe you should be doing Crocodile Dundee when you're going Down Under? Would a better choice be Jack Nicholson? "The tongue? You can't handle the tongue!"
008GGG 14
*She shit on his face...
stickyface 17
Have a sheet, Mish Moneypenny...
RichardPencil 32
I'd think that is the perfect context to request that it be "shaken, not stirred?"
ihatecondoms 12
bro u are everywhere and annoying asf stop commenting everywhere
Mark W. Noonan_969479943 5
I Don’t even wanna know. 🤪🤪😂😂😂😂
Razell 13
Step one: Make sure she knows you're doing a Sean Connery impression...
WeirdUS 30
You forgot step 1 generally impressions, comedy , puppets and magic acts are not normally apprecitated during sex. If you want to work in entertainment rule one is knowing your audience, rule 2 is also knowing the time and place. Rule 3 is if you need 1&2 explained YDI.
ZealousR47 4
was she shaken but not shtirred?