Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML
Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML
Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML
Today, I took my daughter to the zoo. I threw a piece of my sandwich towards a very cute chimpanzee. As a thank you, he threw a piece of crap at me, which exploded all over my shirt. FML
Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML
Today, I told my dad and brother that I want to take Zumba classes. My brother said, "Did you hear that? Pumbaa wants to Zumba!" Then he starting dancing and making pig noises. My dad high-fived him. When my mom heard, she high-fived him too. FML
Today, I overheard my mum tell my sister that she should make me a bridesmaid at her wedding. My sister scoffed, "She looks like Shamu, mum. I can't have THAT in my wedding pics." followed by laughter and my mum saying, "Touché." FML
Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML
Today, I showed my mom a picture of a baby sloth. She then said, "Wait, sloths are real?" She thought Ice Age made them up. FML
Today, at work, I was discussing animated movies with a male senior who's got kids. I was trying to refer to Zootopia but couldn't remember the name. I went, "Zoo, zoo... filia?" Silence. It wasn't until I got home an hour later that I realized what I said. FML
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Top comments
MarkerofMagic 0
haha mean sister but good movie.
FailVader 0
you shoulda said, " if you talked less, maybe YOU would get a date."
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Comments (371)
sandwichman1796 0
ohh **** hold her back... lol
mackattack9 9
ouch
jovani 0
haha fatty
sugarroxx 0
My sister is a bitch as well :(
hbomb5150 0
would u like some ice for that burn? lol jk! but seriously... what. a. bitch.
Thats_Mclovin_2U 0
Time to go on Jenny Craig. that's if your fat:p
jon7688 7
I like em round with somethin somethin. haha love Moto Moto
Raider889 0
try to get you're own moto moto
Thedrugslikeme2 0
maybe she can't get a date because she's fat? or maybe she's really really short.
nerdsgetmehot 23
I hope you chased her around with a rolling pin just to give her a good scare. That's what siblings are for, y'know.
ohthebloodygore 16
Why a rolling pin? I say, a chair.
illmatic2 16
I like to use baseball bats.
SeanFredrick 3
οΓ Δ ροψ ροψ βαπg
ohthebloodygore 16
A fireball would do the job as well. Screw the chair, fireball!