Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML
Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML
Today, during dinner, my daughter rudely cut into my conversation and gushed that she's "like, totally" going to audition for a reality TV show next year, after I pay her way. Five minutes into her jaw-dropping stupidity, I had to physically restrain myself from slapping her out of her chair. FML
Today, my mom made a Facebook status about me: "My daughter is on her rags and won't shut the fuck up #annoyingbitch". FML
Today, I took away my 8-year-old daughter's toy for throwing it too many times. She then said, "I need a beer." FML
Today, after months of being pestered to do so, I finally read the first Harry Potter book. I hated it. Upon hearing this, my girlfriend posted the fact on Facebook, where I immediately received tons of abuse and eventual shunning by my friends, family, and coworkers. My girlfriend just laughed. FML
Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML
Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML
Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML
Today, after being fed up with my sarcastic, mouthy daughter, I decided to remove her TV from her room. I dropped it on my foot and broke two toes. She promptly said, "That's what you get." FML
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Top comments
ilovehamburgers 0
Yes you are.
emmiep1011 7
I hope you resorted to butter beer.
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Comments (479)
mandihbew 0
You're a terrible parent. if I knew where you live, I would report you. Cuz I'm with child services. -_-
raphanne_fml 33
Oh come on! Ok OP doesn't deserve the mother of the year award, but maybe she was just having a really bad day and her daughter was being really loud. I know I can get pretty excited and annoying about stuff I like. But reporting her over something like this? You should rather go after the father who asked $25,000 to his kid...
SuperNinjaa 0
Haha I got on day 2
audiophileMom 11
Okay, i hope this is fake. The way you talk about your girl (not WHAT you say but HOW) is disgusting.
Bates621 0
I got into Pottermore on Tuesday! :D
Serafie 0
What the shit. Serously WHAT THE SHIT.
hanhanjr 0
Hahah i'm already registered. :D just remind her it's open to everyone in october.
AtomicRebirth 11
Yes, you most certainly are a terrible parent. I hope, someday, something happens and social services comes to take your children to a better home.
hazardoussmiles9 22
I hope you get lost in the Dark Forest.
friedeggyolive 7
Hahaha, I was "moderating the FMLs" and I rejected this one:) It's better now than it was before though.
Phallic_Metaphor 3
You may be a horrible parent, but you sir can turn a phrase.