Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML
Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML
Today, during dinner, my daughter rudely cut into my conversation and gushed that she's "like, totally" going to audition for a reality TV show next year, after I pay her way. Five minutes into her jaw-dropping stupidity, I had to physically restrain myself from slapping her out of her chair. FML
Today, my mom made a Facebook status about me: "My daughter is on her rags and won't shut the fuck up #annoyingbitch". FML
Today, I took away my 8-year-old daughter's toy for throwing it too many times. She then said, "I need a beer." FML
Today, after months of being pestered to do so, I finally read the first Harry Potter book. I hated it. Upon hearing this, my girlfriend posted the fact on Facebook, where I immediately received tons of abuse and eventual shunning by my friends, family, and coworkers. My girlfriend just laughed. FML
Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML
Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML
Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML
Today, after being fed up with my sarcastic, mouthy daughter, I decided to remove her TV from her room. I dropped it on my foot and broke two toes. She promptly said, "That's what you get." FML
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Top comments
ilovehamburgers 0
Yes you are.
emmiep1011 7
I hope you resorted to butter beer.
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Comments (479)
sexyshit44 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I do that all the time.
mustardhippo 4
Your daughter is annoying as hell, and your an alcoholic deadbeat. Pass the scotch
Keyman1212 14
Help her find one of the Magic Quill's so she can register early!!! Wait... I mean... I'm not a Harry Potter nerd desperate to get into Pottermore.... Not me!
daisyloo 7
That's believable 11 haha:)
cyns0_oaSailor 0
F your daughters life.
flockz 20
WHAT?!?!?! TWILIGHT'S THE SHIT.... tiest garbage on television.
bitchslapped22 14
ME TOO IM GOING CRAZY I CAN'T GET IN...I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL OCTOBER..OP, there's millions of people going crazy over this, it's ok.
JFox 8
I managed to get three accounts. One for myself and one for my boyfriend. I'm giving the third one away.. I didn't like the username options they gave me on the first night.
ciarafox9 9
Haha I got in :)
thesunsetglow_fml 8
98- me too ;) F all your lives, Harry Potter is the shiiiit.
sarabraun8 7
hey
WHOWASTHEPHONE 10
YDI
jamie72596 9
I got in :D
KattyT 9
I am and I'm not ashamed. I'm already in!
skulskinator 5
Ewes that's weird
scrapmetal58 9
I got in today! A friend did it for me because my work computer doesn't have flash :/ Keyman, my respect for you just skyrocketed. I cannot wait for Pottermore! :)
Keyman1212 14
I got in too :D but I was just saying for the daughters sake!
scrapmetal58 9
Awesome! Hey I needed help too, so it's all good. She clearly needs help to get in too. What's your username? Mine is FangWizard145. :)
alexibabyxoxo 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
harry potters horrible.
alexibabyxoxo 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
harry potters horrible.
Slythrr 0
Yeah you are
UsernameIsUsed 9
Does anyone else think this fml sounds fake? Besides, for any parent worth their liver's weight in whiskey, this is an easy fix: "If I hear ONE more complaint about it, you are grounded until it's no longer in theaters."
UsernameIsUsed 9
For any parent worth their liver's weight in whiskey, this is an easy fix: "If I hear ONE more complaint, you are grounded until the movie is no longer in theaters."
Mahomie123 0
POTTERMORE FOREVER BITCHES
JustHello123 1
237 You didn't have to say it twice we got the point.
Tommananaze6T9 4
no ur daughters just a nerd.
jake1632 9
Let's shine some LUMOS on this subject.. Expecto patronum!
helterskeltersmi 0
#34 Your comment sucked the first time too, asshole
helterskeltersmi 0
****. 34? Am I blind? 237.
PopRocks14 0
I got in.. ;)
LilaBear 2
bitchslapped22, there's still two days left to get early registration :)
LilaBear 2
yes, you are a terrible parent.. not because you don't like your daughter's whining, but because of the awful way you speak about her.
iPoopMusic 0
I have no idea what any of you are talking about.
love0128 5
I feel bad for your daughter!! :( I really do, bc I know exactly how she feels!!!
love0128 5
Give it to MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Please!! :)
ReneeFlem_Flam 2
You have horrible taste 237. Harry Potter is amazing I grew up on those books.
CaramelRainbows 2
Your profile picture makes me think you like Twilight.
Felix_Felicis15 8
I got in yesterday! :D if it were I, I would be celebrating that my child is not twilight-obsessed and crooning over gay fairies. I thought Voldemort killed rob pattinson... Wtf.
tessa1110001 12
and your a dumb bitch
BostonBear 33
simple but effective
ilovehamburgers 0
Yes you are.
ahole123 0
If you know you're such a terrible parent why don't you just start being a good one?
futtbuck101 1
I would've smanged her.
spaerro 8
You have no ******* idea how tolerant my mom was, and she's insane. YDI
GrooveSponge 0
Harry Potter is the best freakin' thing to happen to this world. You're an ignorant butt-hole of a "parent"!
jizzwold 21
I imagine this is what I will be like if I am ever cursed with children
Cokie_the_Clown 5
Well OP it looks like we know where she got her excessive whining and complaining from. YDI for being such a bad parent that even you will admit to it, and YDI for whining about your daughter's whining.
marcranger 29
239, agreed. and I know this. and yet people still think I'll want to have kids someday, when really, I can save the time and expense and go straight for the booze.
RandomChickXD 0
geezus! this sounds exactly like my mom...
glutgyoogle 6
...I got on the site with out a problem...
sparklecherry 4
There's a lot you can do to keep that from happening. I hope you never have them either.
cawtnay 0
I love you.
SoccerForTheWin 5
Snooki is worse so your ok
kthxbai123 1
Yeah.
Skelanimal15 0
awesome pic!! i luv gir! and yes she is a horrible parent.
kings1fan 6
Like mother like daughter! Sounds like you can't stop yapping!
StopDropNRoll 11
Why not just take her to the train station drop her off with a note that days walk into said column and enjoy your time at Hogwarts. I'm sure she'll be happier at hogwarts than with a online account. Now your both happy =P
DropTheDaggerxx 31
It's Pottermore, for ****'s sake! I had a friend register for me cause the clues are posted at ****** up times. I feel for your daughter, OP. You live in the U.K., you're pretty much obligated to like HP. Shame.
mozeltov 7
Its a legitimate concern, not being able to register is a serious concern that affects many thousands of people, where is your sympathy?
maggiemae14 2
you sound pathetic. this is not a serious concern!
SugarCrazy 14
46, I'm pretty sure he was being sarcastic...
FUUUandyourmom 16
It's Pottermore. It IS a serious concern. F the daughter's life for not getting in.
OhzTP 7
I got in :)
love0128 5
Actually, it is a VERY SERIOUS concern!
VeeBee9332 0
She still has 2 days! she should pull all-nighters until the damn thing is open again and then try answering the hints with her books at hand :) I got in that way
jessthebest3 0
Lol i made an account
mmorgan9218 5
what's wrong with you??
hoodasswhitekid 0
nothing, because apparently I'm the most awesome person today
Crlnprz 11
Seriously and she also has a very weird vocabulary...
12vballchick12 5
U beat me to it 64! :) Well ditto haha
Preethik 17
I was thinking the exact same thing.
soccertrick61 6
that's horrible
jewknowit710 2
Not as horrible as you flexed ab photo... Some ppl these days
emmiep1011 7
I hope you resorted to butter beer.
sematariux 7
0.0
sara_saturday 5
firewhiskey would be more effective
kgage88 0
I don't care what she's drinking... you are gorgeous...
StormGirl142 24
Especially Ogden's.
Sashur 0
this comment is a win.
Friaza 29
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Twilight and Harry potter can really impact girls at that rebellious age...
97currie 0
people should really quit comparing the two. HP is infinitely better.
spazzy910 0
Not too much, some girls are just a little obsessed ;)
spazzy910 0
I was talking about the first comment not the reply.....
pokejaden 5
...Says the fag with the glasses.
darksidedenizen 9
!
Crlnprz 11
I agree HP has way better computers then Twilight, I didn't even know they made computers.
rattusrattus 19
You could blast her off your family tree with your wand.
jewknowit710 2
"REDICILIOUS!!" lol HP all the way
akayc32 0
136, that was just bad...
rattusrattus 19
Ridikkolous isn't even the spell for blasting, its for dealing with boggarts... the reductor curse might work.
livlafluv100 2
just like the black family!!!
aliceisbored 11
Hahaha, I know! When I read this fml I immediately thought of how that happened to Sirius.
hazardoussmiles9 22
Sirius-ly, it's spelled 'Riddikulous'. Get your facts right, you Squibs.
randi9090 12
well you're all ridiculous.
gruvychild 17
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Kick her in the ****!
OuchAndGoodfight 5
It's the U.K., smart one. /don't you feel dumb.
sensoon15 7
89- considering that they have many people who agree with them and you have people who thumbed you down, I'm pretty sure they don't feel dumb.