Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML
Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML
Today, during dinner, my daughter rudely cut into my conversation and gushed that she's "like, totally" going to audition for a reality TV show next year, after I pay her way. Five minutes into her jaw-dropping stupidity, I had to physically restrain myself from slapping her out of her chair. FML
Today, my mom made a Facebook status about me: "My daughter is on her rags and won't shut the fuck up #annoyingbitch". FML
Today, I took away my 8-year-old daughter's toy for throwing it too many times. She then said, "I need a beer." FML
Today, after months of being pestered to do so, I finally read the first Harry Potter book. I hated it. Upon hearing this, my girlfriend posted the fact on Facebook, where I immediately received tons of abuse and eventual shunning by my friends, family, and coworkers. My girlfriend just laughed. FML
Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML
Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML
Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML
Today, after being fed up with my sarcastic, mouthy daughter, I decided to remove her TV from her room. I dropped it on my foot and broke two toes. She promptly said, "That's what you get." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
ilovehamburgers 0
Yes you are.
emmiep1011 7
I hope you resorted to butter beer.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (479)
kickboxer1 0
your a very horrible parent! sure kids are annoying but you shouldn't talk like that about them! I'd hate to be your child.
laurenXD 1
Pottermore!! I registered(:
BrooklynGenius 0
Your not terrible, I wouldn't want hear that shit either but I would've smoked a joint instead maybe joined her with a conversation about Harry Potter.
Nitial 6
If your daughter likes Harry Potter, then you did a goos job.
renlady_86 3
You said it. Yes you are. Why did someone like you have a child? Did you need to feel loved and since no one else loved you you thought having a child would MAKE someone love you? Right...
CarouselHeart 11
Yeah, you are a terrible pearent. What the hell do you want, sympathy? And way to use stupid, unnecessary "slang" as well. Who are you trying to be, Mr. T?
fatgirl26 7
You should go die your not a parent.
taquitosupremo 0
I agree with you op **** Harry potter and let's down a drink for these shitty moments in life...
iamthefire 3
NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH! and i can only assume from your username that you've been visited by a dementor? eugh, i can't express how much i dislike you for turning to drink JUST for that. seriously.
Smoknjoegutfish 0
ahahahahahahaha..great..I signed up to express how much I was laughing..one of the best fml's ever