Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML
Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML
Today, my 24-year-old brother tried to convince me that Hogwarts is real, because there is no way a person could have written that based on imagination. My parents agreed with him. FML
Today, I have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to read and write. She came bounding up to me with a piece of paper and said, "look what I did". It was a letter that said "My dad misses my real mommy, not you". FML
Today, my 8-year-old came home from school crying. Apparently her teacher told the whole class to write about how they felt when they learned that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy weren't real. FML
Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML
Today, I picked my 12-year-old daughter up from school after her first sexual education lecture. She burst into tears on the way home explaining her fears of being pregnant with her boyfriend's child. As if that doesn't sound bad enough, I've met her boyfriend before. He is imaginary. FML
Today, my 50-year-old dad was in a foul mood after taking an online test that put him in Slytherin house instead of Ravenclaw where he "belongs" because he's "so smart". FML
Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML
Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML
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Top comments
iLike2Teabag 27
Pfft. Muggles.
cheshireau 26
I don't know whether to make a Harry Potter reference or to comment on your daughters foul mouth and lack of respect for you.
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Comments (161)
iLike2Teabag 27
Pfft. Muggles.
xnikkilynn 11
Let me tell you something about Lord Voldemort. We were bestfriends in middle school. I know right soo embarrassing. I don't even.. whatever. Then in eighth grade I started going out with my first boyfriend Harry Potter. Who was like totally gorgeous but then went to Hogwarts. Voldemort was like weirdly jealous of him. If I blew him off to hangout with Harry. He'd be like "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then for my birthday I was having an all wizards pool party. I was like "Voldemort I can't invite you, because I think you're evil!" I mean, I couldn't have an evil wizard at my party.There were going to be wizards there in their bathing suits! I mean right, he was evil! So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her. It was so retarded. Then he dropped out of school because no one would talk to him. He came back in the fall and his nose was gone and he was totally evil! Now I guess he's trying to kill Harry.
dustydick 14
lol
ChunkMissing 10
#57 that was really.. unnecessarily amusing.
orbit 22
But isn't voldemort like much older?
kaablam 17
#57, that was awesome, necessarily!
cjwayy 22
Mean Girls and Harry Potter are even better together.
parkysparky2000 7
This made my day. Thank you for this
xnikkilynn 11
Lol no problem. I seen this yesterday on Pinterest. Then I waited for a Harry Potter fml to post it since it made mine too.
ladytigerhunts 20
#57 Man, what a story you can tell your kids!
Ichiya 29
To be honest Dumbledore wasn't much better than Voldemort.
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
I agree, 102. I mean, all Voldemort did was kill hundreds (if not thousands) of people and try to enslave the entire human race. Dumbledore made some mistakes in his teens. They were definitely both horrible people, right?
Ichiya 29
Dumbledore trained a 11 yr old teen to fight an extremely dangerous murderer.
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
If he's 11 years old, he's not a teen. And of course he was gonna train him. The wizard's entire goal in life was to kill that 11 year old.
Ichiya 29
Dumbledore is the most powerful wizard alive. He could have easily beat Voldemort rather than crossing his fingers and hoping Harry won.
evilamoebaattack 20
DON'T INSULT ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IN FRONT OF ME!
kitten1800 18
Ichiya just stop, please
MamaZombieCakes 17
OMG that was amazing! Totally made my day. haha. :)
el_angelroca 15
I mean I don't know any 9year old that would fall for that so...
JuliaaNoelle 26
No one asked your opinion, you filthy little mudblood
thevelociraptor 31
Okay, not cool. Mudblood? Really? It's the 21st century here. Equality among all wizards and other magical beings.
granCanyon 12
But she could act like it is real instead of insulting her mother. Kids these days...When I was 9 I was living in a world filled with mystery, magic, might kings and all sorts of creatures. Of course I knew it wasn't real but it doesn't mean I couldn't act like it is! A little imagination doesn't hurt. Even now I like to travel to those mysterious lands of my childhood. Imagination is a wonderful thing. Better than any drug created by man. I seriously pity anyone who can't quit reality even for a short amount of time.
coming back in the future 30
Hope it isnt twilight 38
bpickett18 16
#35 Does that include us Demigods?
thevelociraptor 31
#52 I'm no judge, but sure.
bgorch01 11
NO! We can only get true equality if we segregate by powers and skills. (I mean seriously, do you really want to put a 10 year old wizard in the same room as an Ice Titan? Trust me, that's not... cool.
Ltsdragons 19
When I was 5, my closet didnt take me to another world. When I was 11, my letter to Hogwarts never came. When I was 12, my satyr never came to escort me to camp Half-blood. Gandalf, I'm counting on you to take me on an adventure when I'm 50
RandomMishaps 14
Well.....Terrifying perhaps, but that makes her no less right.
cadillacgal79 32
Muggle.........
evilamoebaattack 20
Dudley, don't ever come on FML again.
zzappe 6
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
If you raised your child to use that kind of language, you deserve it
Eleanor6141 11
you can only teach kids so much.. they do have free will you know...
foxwasalamb 24
yeah if your son or daughter steals or is a murderer, its obviously the parents fault. thats it
granCanyon 12
You don't have much experience with children? Kids can be very good liars. They'll act angelic at home and let their inner devil out once the parents are away. Many parents have no clue how evil their children are. This the reason why so many parents refuse to believe that their own child did something vicious. Haven't we all heard the legendary "My little <insert name> did that? Oh no! That's impossible! He's such a good kid."? It's always easy to blame the parents.
Arwen_Evenstar 37
Sadly, that word just seems to end up thrown around in playgrounds. Kids can't automatically know why it's not OK.
cristy91 33
To add to this, a child's world is not just their parents. School and friends have a huge influence on development and attitude as well.
sayyestothedress 24
#4 you never know, maybe she learned those words from school! And besides at least it was the word "retard" instead of "bitch" or "*****" I'm not saying it's ok for her to say "retard" I'm just saying that it could be worse!
Ichiya 29
Still it is the parents' job to teach them which words are naughty.
nix1993 41
#4 Wow, don't you just seem like the kind of person who can't take responsibility for their own actions. "A child did something wrong, it must be the parents fault" Yeah not always. A 9 your old has been going to school for 4 or 5 years already, plenty of opportunity to pick up some bad attitude. Parents aren't clairvoyant, they can't tell kids not to use words they don't know they're going to use.
SauceySarah 30
If she actually believed that, that would have been really cruel on your part. Imagine having your parent say that and you hopelessly wait for that letter forever. I would be super bummed out.
im_a_black_guy 10
Hogwarts is real I'm still waiting on my letter
jamiro11 19
well damnit, I even bought my owl and wand already
granCanyon 12
Or your owl was shot by a redneck who thought it was a UFO. This is what I believe happened to mine. I can't be a muggle. I just can't.
mcaisse77 17
If you were born anywhere from 1986-1997, the ministry lost your records because Voldemort had all the records of muggle born wizards burned. Now, Hogwarts has a pretty small graduating class, but everything else is filling up again.
cadillacgal79 32
So there's hope for 2000s babies? I know I'm two years older than the acceptance age, but I'm still waiting.
KamiyaHaine 18
Totally explained why I never got my letter! Dammit! Now I have to live life as a muggle. =(
Dlzq 22
Seems like a spoiled kid, your own fault. Acting up like that requires consequences.
Gittoh 21
how does she sound spoiled? OP tried to motivate her to study, just like parents should. you don't know where the girl picked up on the word retard, and you can never really make sure that your kids won't use words like that.
larrena2377 26
29, if I was acting out and not doing my homework, my parents wouldn't make up some lie to try to convince me to do right. They would give me a nice butt spanking to "motivate" me.
kitten1800 18
43, there are many parents who don't believe in spanking their children, mine aren't included in that group but those parents exist
Brandi_Faith 34
I agree with 43, and part of what 7 was saying (definitely not all). If the 9 year old was acting out and not doing her homework when told then there probably should've been consequences to her not listening. And while I understand wanting to use an incentive to motivate the child to finish her homework (which is good) I think lying to her isn't ok. Personally, I find it similar to when parents use "Santa won't bring you any presents if you misbehave, don't do your homework, etc." I don't see a reason to lie in order to get your kids to behave or do something, use discipline & consequences when they need correction and use real incentives for motivation. And discipline and consequences are not always spankings, that's what time outs, groundings and loss of toys or privileges is for.
im_a_black_guy 10
Sounds like petunias daughter... Muggle
minesbiggerr 25
Petunia has a son... No daughter
TrackGirl19 29
I don't think you get the joke ;)
KVKdragon 26
That doesn't even make sense. If you were saying the name of Harry's maternal grandmother or "Lily's sister", it would make sense
Paultheouctopus 13
Looks like she is learning too many things too early.
cheshireau 26
I don't know whether to make a Harry Potter reference or to comment on your daughters foul mouth and lack of respect for you.
cheshireau 26
Damn, that was a good come back.
websraaa 6
I don't know whether to tell you to shut up or shut up
cadillacgal79 32
32- I don't whether to stupefy you or advada kedavra you.....
Ichiya 29
Crucio is better. Make them suffer.
Compgeek1996 5
The daughter seems more like a Slytherin to me.
Compgeek1996 5
18 The daughter seems more like a Slytherin to me.
kitten1800 18
Just tell her that you'll never take her to Hogsmead! I do believe there is a Disney World with Hogsmead. One can even purchase a wand
Raleaf 26
It's in the Universal Studios parks. Hogsmead and Diagon Alley, I was there half of my vacation.
Hiimhaileypotter 53
It's the most magical place in the world! :D I went almost 3 years ago in February and I can't wait to go back. Absolutely amazing. :) (As you can see from my username, Harry Potter was basically my childhood).