Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML
Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML
Today, during dinner, my daughter rudely cut into my conversation and gushed that she's "like, totally" going to audition for a reality TV show next year, after I pay her way. Five minutes into her jaw-dropping stupidity, I had to physically restrain myself from slapping her out of her chair. FML
Today, my mom made a Facebook status about me: "My daughter is on her rags and won't shut the fuck up #annoyingbitch". FML
Today, I took away my 8-year-old daughter's toy for throwing it too many times. She then said, "I need a beer." FML
Today, after months of being pestered to do so, I finally read the first Harry Potter book. I hated it. Upon hearing this, my girlfriend posted the fact on Facebook, where I immediately received tons of abuse and eventual shunning by my friends, family, and coworkers. My girlfriend just laughed. FML
Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML
Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML
Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML
Today, after being fed up with my sarcastic, mouthy daughter, I decided to remove her TV from her room. I dropped it on my foot and broke two toes. She promptly said, "That's what you get." FML
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Top comments
ilovehamburgers 0
Yes you are.
emmiep1011 7
I hope you resorted to butter beer.
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Comments (479)
BubblyNinja13 0
that's pretty bad.....
Fadeity 7
I don't know about anyone else, but the way that this was worded completely irks me.
jannie22 0
I love how OP goes from typing a word like jibber-jabber to a word like emanating.
writergirl23 19
Meee toooo
DavLynn 4
maybe you have some kind of disorder, you should get some counseling.
kyrativ 1
Lol fml is for shitty life stories, not for complaining about an annoying daughter
ThreeSheetsGone 12
Said the man with seven kids: "I hate kids, but I love sex." I believe this is your problem, OP. Hit the bottle a couple more times. It'll be ok.
13whatsername13 0
omg! I was just watching that! hahaha, my name is earl
raphanne_fml 33
You filthy little mudblood è_é
iAmScrubs 19
Why don't you just stuff your cake hole with cake? Cake solves all problems.
Iwashere12345 0
if one has problems, eat cake. I gave it to you for a reason. -God
BBYgirl_22 3
except weight loss lol
crazyrunnergirl 7
well at least you recognize that you are :)
Death_From_Above 0
Who would let you raise a child??
itsMatix 0
should of gave gere some booze too to help the pain
frosh2 9
No give her firewhiskey!!!